Being Honest is the best thing I do,…..that, and I LOVE

Sometimes I revert to the old patterning. The old me. When I exposed the
last of my secrets last week, and the main one being my personal differences in goat raising, I lost a very large chunk of my readers. It was odd. I guess the title lured them,….the last of my secrets. Must be that word, Secret. There was this huge rush to read the blog in less than an hour. I wondered what could cause it. All I could think of was that one of the goat farmers saw it and messaged another and so on. It was just too many views in too short a time to be normal. After that, 2-5 views per day. That’s it. So, I contemplated quitting.

But ye know what? I didn’t start this blog to tell the goat people how I do things differently. I started this whole thing because I like to help. I like to gift what I know, what I’ve learned. I didn’t tell you I was a hermit, or I used to be suicidal, for the wow factor. It’s the absolute truth. Everything I tell you is the absolute truth to the best of my knowledge. Think about it. A suicidal person. That person would be miserable to be around because all they would be able to do is whine and cry. Poor me, I don’t want to do this, to be here, I want out. Thirty eight years is a very long time to be feeling like such.

Then there’s the hermit factor. I didn’t want to leave this house for anything. The pharmacy mailed me my inhalers so I didn’t have to leave. I couldn’t walk out into my own pastures. I didn’t want visitors, and even told my friend Cathy she was no longer welcome here unless I called and invited her. I was still changing. As I changed and grew wise, she recognized that and just started coming back over. As I change, the world changes, because we are all connected.

Add to that the fears. Oh so many. Highways; roads I’ve never driven; snakes, calling people on telephone; big dogs; driving in dark; thunderstorms; injury; hills; rollercoaster’s; dentists (still am); being alone, and I’m so sure there are more but I’m drawing a blank on the rest. I’m getting to the point…. The point is, that person, could not advise anyone, and most definitely should not advise anyone. That person was lost. As lost as a person can get. Do I seem lost to you now? Do I hesitate with my words? Do I sound depressed? I have learned and experienced and I have become wise. I have wisdom to share. And share it, I shall.

Armor and Sword

I’d like to put my memories away
At the top of the highest shelf
In a room I seldom use
So I won’t have to look at myself
I haven’t led a normal life
You can ask anyone that I know
You’ll hear of promises made and promises broken
And times when I just let go
My mind, it holds me captive
It follows it’s own desire
I run and I run and I run
But I can’t escape it’s fire
Many times I’ve been a warrior
Slaying dragons at my feet
They tried to grab me with their claws
Or breathe their fire on me
But I was born a survivor
I was born knowing how to fight
I carry a sword of knowledge
And wear armor that was my birthright
The armor sometimes suffocates
It takes my breath away
It’s made of words and wisdom
I’ll have to wear it til my dying day
Just like the armor I wear
The sword, well, it wears me down
It holds every single memory
And makes me make the rounds
They say memories last forever
And I do believe they’re right
Cuz they wake me up and pin me down
In the middle of every night
Listen to the winds of time
They call to take me away
What they want is to take my mind
And carry all joy away
They’ll leave me devastation
Then put me in isolation
And leave me there to stay
Til a stronger wind can come along
And carry this warrior away

Sheri Lee
6/28/96

My Mama

My mama, she got tired
Tired of paying the price
And for the birth of her child
She always paid a price
The child was not normal
Thru any eyes in the world
She always fought against life
The worlds saddest little girl
What’s a mama to do
Her child knows only tears
I realize she got tired
Her child created her fears
The child went up
And the child went down
Riding the rollercoaster of life
Screaming silent sounds
My mama, she did try
For 35 years she tried
One day, she just got tired
And my mama, my mama died
Oh she’s still alive
The ex-tired mama of mine
But she’s happier now
In her world away from mine
My mama, she got tired
Tired of being there for me
I guess she’s content now
But where’s a mama for me?

Sheri Lee
12/15/97
Do I sound like this now? Nope. Not by a long shot. I have healed and I can help others heal. So, I pondered giving up, giving in, but this me, doesn’t give up. This me is so strong. This me cares more about her goats than she does about herself. This me, risks herself, and her very life, to care for them. I balance a will to do, with a semi fragile body. I create my life.

Little Boy needed cooling off. He is sitting IN the pond.

And that brings us back to the farm. Today was very tiring and I got overheated. Let’s not forget I got knocked on my ass yesterday and landed Hard. I made my final decision what to do about the pregnancy onslaught. I don’t have much energy right now and was wise enough to know I won’t be able to build a shelter by myself in this heat, so I made an executive decision and moved the Munchkins out into the Big bad world of the Main pasture. They didn’t want to follow me. I called, I lured with food, all kinds of things. Finally one goat came toward me, then another, and with that, I had the whole group coming my way. When they got into the big pasture, they met their dad, and what did they do? They mounted him. These little one year olds, immediately challenged the big bucks. What a surprise! Then the cows came, which brought the pups barking in attack mode. Jeesh, what a scene. Big accomplishment.

At first, no one came to my call

Then Angel took a few steps, and another followed

where 2 come, the herd follows

Munchkins meet their dad, Marshall and the other Big Boys and darned if they didn’t take em on! I spared you those photos.

Next came the girls. My husband agreed to help and he took carrots while I put the pups up and opened the gate to the L. Then I drove my car into the girls pen and one by one, pulled them across the house and into the backseat of my car. Two trips and we got most of them. I was overheated so we stopped. Eight first timers are now in a smallish pen that I can monitor, which leaves 3 first timers and a few old hatters in the big girls pen. Way more manageable. Yay, the stress that takes off my shoulders is refreshing.

1st time mommies scrounging for peas and peanuts! Treats all to themselves!

Oh ya, This is what a hay field is SUPPOSED to look like.

The young girls got to eat with no one fighting them or ramming them, and then I took peanuts and peas and they swarmed me. Funny girls. Overall, it was a very productive day. Feels good. Thanks for listening. Signing off at Curly Locks Ranch.

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3 thoughts on “Being Honest is the best thing I do,…..that, and I LOVE

  1. Did you really lose readers? It may be that everyone wanted to see what you meant by your title and visited more than once (it was a long post) then when they had had time to digest what you said, realized that it wasn’t so shocking after all, and then just settled back down.

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