Today was not the norm. My husband took the day off so I could go to the Dr. and get my blood results and we could then go pick up his truck from the shop. Turns out the truck wasn’t ready, so I’m still carless. Hate being in the country without a way to go if need be. Anyway, the Doc, who is not your everyday average Doc, she gives hugs, gives out her Iphone number and texts whatever. So, Doc says my potassium is too high, my liver levels are too high and I have Thyroid disease, again. No big deal, just need a sonogram to check the liver, and she started me on zinthroid. Maybe I’ll get some pep!
Since we had time to spare, we went to check the status of the Chevy. My 55 Chevy. I was presented with it on our 10 year anniversary. Unfortunately, it’s taking awhile to restore because they keep putting in all these bells and whistles. Just let me drive the darn thing! Yikes. So, today I was shown the new chrome headers. This is for my male readers!
Here is a picture of the truck from awhile ago, it’s dismantled again to do the engine and stuff.
Restoration work, courtesy of TD Airbrush Works, Terry Deck.
It turns out, I was able to finish spinning last night and crochet after all, and wala, the purse is finished. The photo isn’t great, my hubby wouldn’t get out of his chair and the lighting was bad, so just know it’s much brighter. And here it is.
Ok, tonight we are going into my past, with one of ….MY WRITINGS. Signing off at Curly Locks Ranch, but leaving you with words describing my hell.
If anyone out there is planning their suicide, DON’T. I offer myself as proof that the pain will go away. Between ages 11 and 38, suicide was a daily thought, a drive, a need. My sadness would escalate slowly over months, even years, till the bottom fell out and I was falling down a very dark hole with no end in sight. Somehow, I would see a flicker of light and find my way out of the hole and think I was ok, then the whole process would start all over again.
It was like a roller coaster ride, only there was no attendee to stop the ride. Hours upon hours of sobbing and screaming……..only when I was alone. The misery so strong, you go to a wall to hold you up, but even the wall can’t help you and you slide down to the floor. I’ve slid down so many walls, they could’ve built the Mexico border with them. The dark is so dark, and you feel you can’t go on another second.
Sometimes, you attempt suicide, as I did……many times. All I can tell you is that apparently my purpose hadn’t been fulfilled yet, because by all rights, I should be long dead. You think I don’t know what it feels like to sit in your car in the woods with a gun in your hand? With your fingers on your heart pulse because you don’t wanna miss, waiting for the courage to pull the trigger. Waiting…..for hours, because you really do need to go, but some part of you is holding off…some part of you won’t pull the trigger. And the war rages on between the two of you, the one who needs to live and the one who needs to die.
I did try some anti-depressants in my later 30’s, but none worked for me. There is one factor that plays in my life that may not factor in with yours, but it shouldn’t make a difference, the depression alone, can stand alone. I, however, was also born with a chronic pain condition……..imagine having an intense headache in your arms(from elbow to hand) and your legs(knee to ankle), just about every day for around 9 out of 12 months every year. Hurricane season………barometric pressure = pain. But like I said, that little ditty was intended for those depressed folk who ALSO, have chronic pain.
It was only once I was fully out of the dark……fully in the light, that I could see the cycle, the pattern, and even then it still took years, but by george, I’ve got it now. Now, I can feel it coming, I feel it here, then I feel it leave. It’s usually got about a 3 day turn around these days. The key is in the feel it coming part. If you can do that, you’ve turned a corner. It may be years, or it may be months before you can recognize it coming, but just knowing that there are dips in the coaster ride, lulls, lights, should get you through this particular minute of misery. As for the next minute, try searching, maybe on the internet, for something you’ve always been interested in, or feel a pull to. Is there anything you felt drawn to, but didn’t do? Reiki, metaphysics, ancient Egypt, history of planet, crystals, fishing, tai chi, yoga, traveling……………you get the idea.
My own personal finding the light story is a looney tunes sounding concoction, and most people, well, I just don’t tell most people. Suffice it to say that it does sound crazy, which is how I ended up researching metaphysics. See, a part of my sadness was that I had no answers as to why I, or anyone, was here, and had found none on the planet. I was led to believe that there were no answers, cept maybe the bible. When I was 38, after my crazy event, first I discovered wildlife outside my room, then crafts, then art, then metaphysics, then….answers. I’m on year number 8 of a spiritual journey/quest to find answers. This search occupies my mind…distracts me from sadness, which seems to be hard-wired into my system.
Not only that, not only is it a great distraction, but…………it’s fun! I’ve had more fun these 8 years than my whole life put together. Oh yea, and in my search, I learned that many people believe that suicides have to come back(as in reincarnated)……..come back? No way! Therefore, suicide has been removed from my …“can do” list. So, now I have 3 day depressions and they come, oh, maybe every 6 months or so. That is tolerable!!!! If I can do it………………..YOU can do it.
Just remember…………look for the flicker of light and fight like hell to reach it!