Tonight I was entirely art depressed, but I was working on a painting anyway. Jesse kept coming down and he hates to see me this way so he would try to help. He said something about the painting I was working on and when I tossed it in the air, away from me…he says…I’m just messin with ya! The tears came and I said look…..I have zilch faith in myself right now, so don’t be messing with me. He says no….you gotta know……I said…zilch, zippo, nada, none. I cried most of the evening. Stupid, I know. It is a heavy thing when it comes on me. I’ve overcome it for the evening now. All my fiber is put away. Jesse says it’s new, I’m working with a new medium, give myself time. He doesn’t understand how hard it is for me to get a painting to look good enough, whether it’s fiber or paint. It’s like I have half skills. Enough to get me so far, but not far enough. Skills, talent…not sure which. Jesse made me spread out all the paintings I’ve done lately on my bed. Maybe it helped a little, I dunno. See, remember, my hubby wanted me to do small backgrounds so I could do a bunch at a lower price since my first two were so big and so expensive. Thing is…..small paintings….with me as the artist….take a long time. Sometimes many many hours. And even then, after that many hours, they may still be deemed…no good…by me. Oh whatever.
I’ve been having weather pains since the other day too. Cathy was here and it shot through my left leg all the way up and I shouted….it went all the way up!!! It usually stops below the knee. It’s been hurting on and off since then. Also on and off in intensity, as usual. I deal. Nobody knows really. I told Jesse. We all have pain. I can only truly feel mine though. I can imagine someone elses, but I can’t know it. And while I seem to be on the subject of complaining….I had a conversation with hubby tonight, around 6….ya, I cried then too. I said I don’t know what to do. You tell me the meal you like is prime rib when we only have it every 2 years and it just has to be baked for so long, no work involved? Do you know how that makes me feel? You don’t like any of my meals, yet I have to cook for you day after day. I have to cook for 3 people. 3 people who would all choose different restaurants. Yet you accuse me of only cooking for myself. Shit. The true reason I don’t eat taco dinner with y’all anymore is cuz y’all eat 3 lbs….THREE POUNDS!!! I’m not willing to cook more than that, so I just choose to not eat. The only meal that any of us have in common is the meatlof…which you hate but Jesse and I love. In the end……he got chili…which he says he only wants to eat during winter….while he still eats and cooks hot spicy food now. Go figure. Just another thing. Just a thing. Ok…night night people…..it’s 2:20am = 4 = Angels!!! Ahhh, the Angels have been here with me a lot lately, eh? Night night sweetest of sweet.
Prayin for my Kiwi. Gonna take him in with me to Texas A&M. The fliud retention is not going down. He has such a special place in my heart and I intend him to remain here with me. Well, I went to feed and they all followed me this time…..right into the empty pen. Then they started bashing each other cuz there were too many so I called and Jesse came running. We moved the last 3 into the birthing pen and moved a few others into a holding pen. So now the pens are fairly evened out…basically the same numbers as last year in those two pens. Interesting….there must be some goats no longer living here, eh? Hehe. They are doing well at Erin’s place.
I started another painting today. Yes, it’s alright to have many in flux. They come together when they’re supposed to. Just experiencing a time of insecurity while at the same time….trying so hard anyway. Despite my lack of faith in me. Pushing forward through it. After all, the only way out…is through. Jesse keeps saying things like…..You’re awesome….or…..you’re an awesome artist. When I least expect it. Such a sweetie. On a different front….I got a great compliment today. A new reader commented saying….”Wow, amazing blog structure! How long have you been blogging? You make running a blog glance easy. The whole glance of your site is fantastic, let alone the content!” That made me feel good today! Also, another reader suggested listening to Helen Reddy…I am Woman! I really hate though, that I need these things. I’m supposed to have it all together now. Not supposed to be having bouts of depression or insecurities. Oh well. Life is what it is.
Lets see, whats either in the news or should be? Well, the US gov is spending 2 million dollars…tax money mind you….to try to prove that marijuana/cannabis makes people violent. Hahahahahaha. If it weren’t for the seriousness of the money issue…this would be hilarious. Violent? Pot smokers? Hmmm, something VERY wrong with this picture. Also…..Japan is now finally asking for help with the nuclear crisis that never lost its crisis status. It’s only been, what….2 YEARS!!!!!!???? Welll…..with all the moving around and changes here…I
M gonna go check on things. Sarah’s leg has healed. Mimi’s and Khalifas are completely healed now. The diarrhea has finally stopped due to food change. Now I just gotta figure out whats going on with Kiwi. Flower too but not as bad. Their mom died, so they may have what she had. It’s scary for me cuz of my special feelings. More so than usual. Can’t help myself folks….there are just some that have grabbed hold of my heart in a big way. Nothing against any others…they just seeped into me. Loving my goats and kitties and dogs and all the rest of the critters and lovin y’all too!!! Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch. PS…..I’m gonna throw in extra Kiwi photos…for any who feel called to pray. Thanks.