the other F word……

I’ve been thinking. Wondering, pondering, wracking my brain,……who, why, what….caused this depression I’m in. See, I’ve already survived extreme depression and suicidal thoughts for 38 years and lived to tell about it….and have lived and loved for about 14 since God freed me from that state. I had little mini depressions that lasted 3 days and no longer….for those 14 years, occasionally. I would feel the emotions coming on, recognize them, then accept them and feel them and then they would leave….all acknowledged and whatnot. Man….those were the days! What a life! Free! No longer a hermit for half of those 14 years…..loving my life and I found my passion…..whoda thunk? That was a real gem. In life….there aren’t that many gems…..finding your passion definitely qualifies. And a 3 day depression. Ya, blissful. Oh, and finding answers to questions I had about life and why and the universe and how and what and who…. Spiritual journey…..a beautiful thing. Fears faced and stepped over, in a gazillion ways to become a flourishing, thriving young old lady who wrote for the people….and to be honest, for herself as well because like the goats and then the art as said passions…..she, I, also wrote for me too….I guess I had 3. See, nothing simple in my life. God gives me THREE passions, not the typical One. And He wonders why I’m confused. But anyway, there I was, living the high life….and no, money was not involved……and take it even further and laugh at me if you will, but in 2008 I think, 6 maybe, I had an experience and believed that I was here to be a force for the Feminine RISING. Honest to God! This thing was so powerful, the God induced fast and hallucinations that followed….that I put Jesus in the moon and took his place in the SUN. He has since been returned. ;=)) ya, I’ve told this before. Me….a powerful woman? Well yes…a part of me believes in the Crone……the aged wisdom. 333 words. So……..

Which brings us back to……the depression. The one that has lasted around 2 months, but was also just here a few weeks before that as well, and a few weeks before that as well, and repeat and repeat….all the way back to MAY of this year. When I was diagnosed as….dying. So…….even though I have changed a lot of things…..and have said I was fighting to live…….I haven’t been 100% committed and I have been living in fear and depression. But here’s the rub. This is the ponder fodder. The depression isn’t a depression. No, not at all. The depression is….FEAR. Fear of dying. Fear of death. Fear of life before death. Fear of life after death. Fear for my children, my husband, my friends. Fear of causing any pain. Pain hurts. I don’t like pain. I really tried to make friends with it but haven’t been completely successful yet. Getting there. Pain. Fear. Fear of not doing everything I want to do, or should do or could do. But mostly….fear of death. It’s like a circle with no visible ways out……fear turns to depression which turns to lethargy which turns to stagnant lump which turns to death. Ha….so either way I go, I still die!!! WOW! I love writing these things….have I told you that lately? ;=}

So somehow, I gotta pull my GODDESS boots on and live like the crone that I AM. AND….I can only say this…..any of this right now….cuz my brain is having a good moment. It is not forcing me to cry, although I can feel this little mini me inside who misses crying. Strange that. Well, night night then. Didn’t do any work tonight. PureD laziness….all the clean pulled fiber in the right color, that I wanted to use being the key point….. was in my car. I just didn’t go get it. I did think on it though…which counts. Ye gotta think on these things. Designing…requires the brain. And mine…..now asks for Angels to help with this new venture…same but not….just another avenue in the neighborhood of my love. Help to get it right. It needs to be right. Ok….night night! 1:14am = 6 = Earth. LOL. Crone. Magic.

So I’m a Christmas fool. Always have been. Christmas movies, lots of presents and the meal. Yup. I want it and I want it all, with joy abounding. This year, which could be my last….hubby decides to play broker than broke. I mentioned ….ie, I ticked off the list of stores we used to shop at for Christmas and then ticked off the 2 we now shop at……and his response was…..that was stuff for the house. WHAT? WHERE IS THE LOGIC? YOU HAVE MONEY FOR THE HOUSE BUT NOT THE WIFE. AND SINCE WHEN DO PRESENTS FOR THE HOUSE….NOT COUNT AS PRESENTS FOR THE WIFE????? I had suggested that since nobody ever gets stuff they want, that maybe we each get an allotment and get to buy things we actually WANT OR NEED. WOW. Bad idea. So…..instead of selling a friggin cow….he is letting my possible last Christmas suck SUCK! I just wanna cry in my tears. Ya, I’m a big baby. I love Christmas. So…..wtf…..I’m giving most of the allotted money to the kids. Got myself a Namaste Farms Breedbox……washed though, so it’s not called that. I guess that is the extent of Christmas for me this year. I may get a few more kinds of fiber at ten bucks each….if I let myself. I find it very hard to spend on myself. I either give it to the kids…or I save it. I don’t wanna save it. It’s Christmas. Nope, no feltloom, no truck finished, no….well, you get the idea. Just a non memory. A sad memory. Gee, appreciate it. Merry Christmas girl who may or may not die. LOL…ya, drama queen. Already sooooo disappointed with the movies this year. Honestly makes me cry and fret for the world……no more good quality, wholesome moral lessons for people to learn by. And yes….for those of you who think so….I guess I’m Christmas spoiled. I am 53 years old and that’s a lot of Christmas’s. Well….you can count on me telling hubby…..when we goin to Sears???? We got a Sears card, lol. Ok…..see ya. Signing off at a somewhat chilly YeeHaw Ranch.

Dream a dream….FOR ME?????

I guess I’m finding it hard to blog these days. 2 reasons. 1, I don’t wanna be a sadpuss and bring anyone down and 2, people take my words as absolute and only…..but y’all can’t see, feel, or hear. You are only getting part of the picture. For gods sakes…it’s a blog, not a blow by blow of my life. It’s a writing. A piece of writing….a work. Certainly not enough information to make any diagnoses, eh? Well…..so what to say? Which words will be misread, misunderstood….or even worse…..deemed wrong. Just plain deemed wrong. On the other hand…..I’m tough. I can do a lot of things. A friend told me that my illness was affecting some of y’all. Really? I didn’t know. I’m sorry. I thought the opposite. I am a wee tad too hard on myself. But it’s really more than that. It’s deep. The soul of a human is deep. My soul….I would presume, is the umf of me. The tender heart moments shining out like a light, twinkling at Christmas. Temporary moments of shine….in a world of routine dull.

Sometimes its too big for me and goes over my head but I think everything is energy. Y’all know that I believe this. As I’m discovering, living a lifetime of one way of thinking…..it truly takes a long while to change over to new beliefs fully. You know, an all out switch. Holes sewn up. I “know” these things…but I speak and act another way sometimes. While knowing that giving energy to something ….well, gives energy to something……I still give energy. I still wail about misfortune or misery. So obviously my mind skills have not yet reached my knowledge fully, and there is a gap. Somewhere on the other side of this gap….are my dreams. I can’t reach them. I can’t find them. I can’t create them. I know not what to create. Will you dream for me? Will you help me figure out what I could dream for? Options? Ideas? I really do draw a blank, and when I do come up with one….I immediately poo poo it for some reason or other. Call it a bucket list for life cuz I don’t plan on dying. Well, if I can find things to dream for!!!! And yes….I do already have one expensive one but it’s still there….a feltloom. Ha…my life would change so quickly if I had one. I have no doubt. It’s almost like letting God down that I don’t have one yet. Like He created something…just for me….and I didn’t get it. I felt that way the first time I saw it and saw it in use. So….ya. Dreams. Maybe I should say….realistic dreams.

I guess I should tell you whats going on healthwise. At the moment, I’m pretty good. Having some difficulties with food sitting in me again, even with the Hemp oil cbd. I’m wondering if I need a higher dose but its so expensive already. I’m having fears of going to heal myself as planned in Costa Rica now. Crap!!!! I don’t want to allow fear to be the thing that kills me. And that’s exactly what I was doing. Fear of the city of arrival, fear of being in another country, fear of the bus ride on winding roads, fear of the wildlife there, fear of the humans there, fear of the airplane ride to and from, fear of getting back to the airport, there are more but I hesitate to say them again, thus giving them more energy. I have come so close to talking myself out of going. Another way to turn this…which I try……but its not dominant, is…………………… Costa RICA!!! Ocean! Butterflies! Trees! Birds! (oh, apparently I’m a birder. I get birders at the gallery and it brings back my childhood bird adventures and joys) Jungle plants, hummingbirds? An artist in residence, and just plain ole…….adventure. Ya, I’ve learned that adventure is a word you use AFTER the hell you’ve gone through, so maybe that’s a bad choice of words. How bout just plain ole fun….aside from the liver flushes and coffee enemas….and all the medicines and unknown foods without sugar. Ya. Hehe. Ya. Jeeze. I’m a wimp and a coward and I MUST rise to the occasion. The occasion of my life…..not my death. Chinese medicine, ayurvedic medicine, jungle medicine…..all combined to invigorate the body and convince it to live….my words, not theirs. Ha…..and if I was really courageous, I’d do ayahuasca while I’m in the country. They don’t do it where I’m thinking of going, so I’d have to go somewhere else a few hours away and that too costs money and fear. People tell me I’m courageous. I don’t feel it. I know I persevere and push through…lol….mow through….but courage? I feel that’s something I lack. Well….here’s to hopin I sleep tonight. I sure do miss the dead sleep of the beer. Hmmm, dead sleep. Better stay away from the beer, eh? Hmm, what is it……lets see, July 7th or so…..5 months. WOW. 5 months, no beer, no cigarettes. I need a prize. :=)) OK…night night folkie olkies. 1:27am = 1 = Beginnings.

I was trying to make some money since the paintings hadn’t been selling so I agreed to try to do a shawl by Christmas. I tried to hire it out and that didn’t work so I bought yarn from Sandy Kunath and it was nice. So…..I’ve been knitting up a storm trying to finish in time. I did. Hopefully she likes it. Went to town to mail that off today and now I get to play. NOTHING on the to do list. Hmmm….or is there? Jeeze…..dunno. I wanna play. Two weeks ago I made something…….the first of many tries. My question to myself is…..do I leave it as is…..quite pretty…..or do I rip it up to reuse the fiber, thus there is only one…..when there could be 2? Or 3 or 4 or 5. Lol. Who knows how many it will take till I’m completely happy. The one I made is quite cool….but just not at my vision yet. Dunno, but if I can’t think of any obligations….I’m starting it tonight. Hmmm, maybe the domino pendants is the thing that has me thinking I got more to do….but the findings have not arrived yet. What a strange word for jewelry parts….findings. Well, either way…I’m still workin on it…..although, I’m wondering why. I showed it to Natalie and asked her not to share it since it wasn’t done. She was wowed…..and said y’all would be too. But now I wonder…..the point. Can anyone purchase it? LOL….if not…why make it? Haha…because I can, because its eating at me, because it will be gorgeous…..lol, but why????? Ok….later than. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch where I think….if I continue this gallery….I need nicer bags. For when they sell. I wonder if I had a big sale….would anyone want a painting? If you’re sorta in the market…..go to http://www.Noahs-arts.com and see. Then tell me which one you want and how much you can pay and I’ll see if I can do it…..willing to do it. ;=)) Seriously! It’s Christmas!!! Later gater!!! Yes, I know its misspelled.

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The WE of US…….100th monkey

The 100th monkey….has reached acceleration point. Think of Star Trek……it’s gone warp speed and full mass. I am a 100th monkey, here with this blog…..I was about to say at least that is my intention, but in reality…….it just is. Because I have confidence/energy that it is. How many times have I said….I learn for you guys. Well….truth be truth, I learn for me……and for you. I learn for the we of us. I learned big for us today. I have new energies to add to our little circle, or maybe spiral is a better choice of words. A circle is fairly closed, eh? Whereas a spiral is ever expanding. I learned a different perspective on an oldish idea. Thoughts. My endless negative thoughts crossed the threshold and created themselves. I kept looking outside myself, thinking and saying aloud….it’s like someone pulled a switch. Well, I was right, and the switch puller was me. The negative thoughts about myself, about my art, and about money. All….bombarded daily, by the minute and even by the second, with thoughts of negativeitis. I’m no good, I’m a shitty mother, I can’t even do that, I’m so stupid…..i wish I could buy that, I want that but can’t afford it, I need money, I wish I had money, I wish I could afford……..I’m no good, Everyone else is better, why can’t I get it perfect, his is better, God, why do I even try. If this is how I talk to myself…..that put me in a downward spiral or hole….then doesn’t it stand to reason that maybe at least a portion of that amount of energy and emotion go into the shifting, switching back of said mind? The rising from the ashes. The phoenix….wings alight. How many phoenix’s does a human get? I’ve already had one.

There is much on my mind now. Possibilities are spinning and my brain is in good high function mode. I think what happened, is I simply went too far. I had one too many bad thoughts about my art, about me, my future….that it cut a groove in the record of me. A groove, where the needle got stuck in replay. I’m trying to rewire myself. Reprogram. Rewrite the script. I don’t like this one. Nope I sure don’t. Perfect timing….on FB, I saw a photo that fits into my childhood. When I was 11 and under I’d say, I used to think I was something other than my body and that I was wearing a suit. I kept searching for my zipper and decided it was at the top of the back of my head. The photo is of a winged being crawling out of a human suit and it even, to me, looks like it was removed from the top of the head. Just find that interesting. So….as I was saying……if an onslaught of negative/mean thoughts put me in the hole…..i would need an onslaught of good/positive thoughts to pull me up and out. Or…..as I was learning tonight….maybe not, maybe just enough to get me into the vortex. That was tonights word…but the recent word was field. Things are coming together. See…ye can’t just know something….ye gotta incorporate it. Understand it. Give it energy, life. I don’t wanna tell you my source for tonights epiphanies….might give you pause. No pauses needed. I’ll just try to do a good job of being the 100th monkey. But I will say…thank you Summer for the nudge that is putting me back in the middle of the river of life…..to flow. I’ve been stuck on the side, hanging onto a treelimb for dear life. Then the other night, I climbed the tree….and now….I’m gonna dive off…..into the river and ride the current of joy and awe and love. Haha…I sound like a hippydippy. Well, night night folks……12:32am = 8 = infinity!

I’ve tried very hard today to bombard myself with good thoughts. I’m only able to do it when I remember, of course. If I could remember 24/7…..I’d do it 24/7, so that’s my struggle now…remembering to do it. Retraining the brain. Ye know….through all of my spiritual journey searching….there has always been one answer that eluded me. In last nights learnings….they said why we are here. According to this particular teaching,……we are here…….to CREATE. I still need to comprehend that one. Need more teaching on the idea of creating. What? Creating what? I knew last night but have forgotten, so ya, I need to do more work.

I’m having such a hard time taking my pills now. I use an alarm, but the depression knocked me off my track….and….because of that…….the food is back to sitting in me. Like this morning. I woke up….with food sitting, and the thought of hot tea was angst ridden….but I drank it anyway. Water for breakfast? Yuk……gosh, water is soooo hard for me. Oh….didn’t tell you I believe I now know what woke up the HepC. BTW…..when HepC is sleeping……it is sleeping. No need to wake it. But……I do believe that that CIPRO antibiotic given to me when I had double pneumonia…….that felt like it was killing me, not the pneumonia, the Cipro……..so I had to quit taking it after only a few days. I now understand that it is very harmful to the liver……so now I wanna know….why did Doc insist on it, when I tried to object??? That was what, 2-3 yrs ago. This last time, at the hospital, they all looked at me like I was nuts when I told them NOT to give me Cipro. My body knows. My body is so much smarter than me.

My daughter is in that storm of the decade. I haven’t received my daily…..mornin Feathers message. I’ve sent her quite a few but nothing. She said she was warm last night, that’s all I have to go on. But this is the first time she didn’t say good morning. I cannot worry. Worry is thought….bad thought. I must steer my mind away from those type thoughts. Hmmm….I might’ve ruined the domino pendants…with the sealer. I may have overdone. Not sure yet. Ugggh. Already told that the resin is not easy, so I was just gonna do sealer. Hmmm. Dunno. Still listening to Utube…learning…..changing. Love you guys. See ya. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch….a bit soggy though. PS…..tonight is Thursday…snuck up on me. It’s Namaste Farms Blogtalk. Sounds interesting tonight…the future of WOOL. Yay!8pm central

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in Process….

I’m coming to a place of knowing…..of understanding….that no matter how much we love…and no matter how deeply we love………………………we are still Alone. It is only us who goes through this life and it is only us who leaves it. We don’t usually feel this way. We have our friends, our family, coworkers, facebook peeps and our besties. But even bestie isn’t going to go through your processes for you. It’s up to us to live…..and it’s up to us how we live….just as it’s up to us to die and how we die. No matter how much we want people to be there for us….they can’t. They can be there with us. That’s about it. And sometimes they will surprise you and not even do that. Sometimes our relationships aren’t as deep, as loving, as thorough as we perceived. Sometimes it’s shallow and just feels and looks deep….surface makeup. Eyeliner I suppose. I just found out I had a shallow when I thought I had a deep. That shallow is gone now…..to live out her life with her self and she can judge people all she wants….from there. Goodbye my once upon a time friend. Goodbye.

Speaking of shallow and deep……I believe those are the two types of people. In a different regard though. It’s rather like the ostrich. That puts his head into the sand and people liken it to hiding. Well, maybe not hiding, but I believe there are peoples who like the status quo….want things to stay the same……are happy with answers given and do not feel a need to search further. They speak of things of the moment. The car ahead who didn’t do as expected, is ranted about. The food about to be eaten is talked about, what the waitress is wearing, the decorations, I dunno…..I call it surface stuff. Then there are people like me who are deeps. We deeps can’t stand small talk, or surface talk…..because we’re hearing it and thinking….now what on earth does that have to do with changing the world? Haha. We deeps want to change the world. We deeps also feel too much and go through a higher range of emotions. We deeps want to challenge everything…..all for the answer of ……why are we here……and what am I supposed to be doing? Would you believe I, an extreme deep….come from a family of surface? It is true. Mind boggling. Also true is…..they are normally functioning human beings……working their jobs, making their money, paying their bills, in other words….succeeding at life. Funny….I always thought I was better than the shallows. When in reality……I need to think of it as the ocean. The deeps….oh heck…..treading water, wave after wave. The shallows…….home, always home…always a reach away from shore, feeling the calm calm end of the waves as they come and taste the sand (dessert)then return to sea. Hmmmm. I guess I was wrong in my estimation of which was better. The real answer is neither…just which one is easier or harder, instead of better or worse. But wowza….now that I see it in writing….the reality cut and dried up into a few simple words I have no choice but to understand…..wowza. I think I wanna be surface now. You listening God?

I actually had a blog for y’all yesterday but I decided against it. It was about the goats and the animal hospital and the friend who is friend no more. It was all loaded and ready…photos and all and I decided not to stir up the pot. To let the junk settle to the bottom of the whatever to be strained off at a later date. IN other words….I took the high road. Thank GOD…..I need high right now.

Tools. That’s what I mean by high. I need to be on hilltops or as my daughter gave me the other day…..a tree. She said I could climb the tree and see where my thoughts were going. What the path looked like….of my thoughts. To remind myself that I was being hijacked by them. Then yesterday I saw a way to breathe differently to escape depression. A longer out breath than an in. Hmmmm…..hard for a person with emphysema to do….but a friend saw my post about it and of course, life had us discussing her fathers emphysema and his needing to purse his lips to do it. I tried it and yes!!! See……I have way more umf with the in breath. My out breath is very short. No wonder I have depression issues! So, if I purse my lips……and BLOW…….I can do it! Life works that way. A casual mention and the universe provides.

So…….after asking and asking for prayers….after telling and telling that I’m in trouble……it finally comes to me….presents itself to me……and says……(IT, being LIFE)…….and says…….It is YOUR LIFE. No other person can live it. YOU are the only one who can pull yourself out of that hole. Why oh why did you go down it in the first place? I mean really! I was just there during a shamanic journey and I found an older version of myself on a ledge partway down the hole….thought I got her out. Maybe I didn’t. Anyway….it’s only ME who can dig me out….pull me up….save me. Yup….we have to save ourselves when it comes to the winding roads of the mind. So bear with me please…..as I save myself! Cuz if I don’t……this place will fall apart bigtime since it’s about to be just me….well, and hubby after 8pm and on weekends.

It nearly fell apart anyway. The goat situation has been dire. A mystery. Poopy butts galore. Wormer galore. For those who aren’t on FB…..Flutterbug has died and Thor was down the next day. Carried 3 goats to the animal hospital and it was determined that I wasn’t using a high enough dose of wormer. The vet, my vet, changed me to that wormer and that dosage. Basically, he killed my WYWY and Flutterbug and anyone else since the switch. So….for any who use Cydectin pour on….the correct dose is……TRIPLE the label instructions. So, my beautiful and gentle and sweet lil bottle baby who never hurt another ever….don’t think I ever saw her ram another goat…..is gone. The one who smiled. The one who ran at birth instead of walking or even waiting to gather strength…literally….at birth. I guess she was born hungry………….BUT……I will no longer be telling you if any goats die here. My honesty has met a wall that I know of no way to climb, (other peoples opinions on such)……so….I’ll be keeping my pain to myself. It is mine anyways after all.

Another issue is that my self esteem has taken a huge dive and any questioning of my actions, words, issues I support……has me questioning myself. It’s as if…….the main Sheri is somewhere else and the stand in’s are having to deal. They don’t deal very well. Once again…I don’t know if I should post this blog. Yesterdays will never be posted. Will todays? I dunno. What I do know is that I am RAW. Like ground meat. Meanwhile…..across the world…….elephants are being killed for their body parts, people are being beheaded, forests and jungles are being logged and damaged forever, people are dying, and and and. Blessings. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch…..

the ArtBroken artist…….

Oh God….what’s wrong with me? It seems no matter what joyful thing happens…it lasts for a moment then drifts away. I can pull the memory back when I want to….but they don’t linger like the smoke I used to breathe with. Tiny whisps or billowing clouds….smoke stays for the after party and the gruesome….morning after…..and after and after. Good thoughts and memories of good things used to accompany me like that. With me, covering me…..ever present. Now…..things hover out of sight. Now….things wait for a memory to be triggered. Minutes ago, I completed…well, for the most part…..my new project. Huge……and beautiful. Yes, I can say that. But watch my next words. ……..I laid it aside with a smile but before it fully touched it’s new space(on the bed, on the mound of fiber and work foams)…..before it fully touched it’s new space….I was frowning again. Tonight I received those felted curls from Natalie…..Namaste Farms….and they were not bad like she said. She later told me she was concerned that I would be unhappy. Not a chance. I loved them. It was over 2 pounds of colored curls of all sorts of wools. A luscious and yummy buffet of color and softness. I opened the box….and exclaimed with joy! I looked at it and dumped it out of the bags. Yay…so happy. Then, I drove down to the little store and I cried…heaved….wailed….both ways. I do NOT know why I can’t shake this. It’s quite depressing in fact. (slight giggle).

Headed to the gallery in the morning. It’s First Friday Artwalk I guess. No idea who the featured artist is. Sure as heck isn’t me. You gotta be there in the guild for a year. Jeeze. I’ll take mmy new piece, even though it’s not fully finished. It could be if I deemed it so. But I wanna add a thing or two. Reluctant to tell yet what it is……think I may do one more before I do. The gallery is like sugar and lemons. My art gets seen. Sugar. My art gets walked away from. Lemon. This is most likely my last few weeks there, whats the point….but I sure will miss people seeing it. That means it will go back to being stacked in my room or stacked inside bins, which are then stacked. I don’t know why I can’t bring myself to just sell them really cheap. I know I tried on FB…..and still nobody bought….so I just can’t. I guess I’d rather keep them. I know it sure hurt my feelings when I donated a painting to the firehouse auction and it got $40. No. I won’t do it. I’ll keep it in a stack. You know how long that thing took me? How much of me is invested in it? How much energy I focus….to create…..how much money I pay for fibers? It can’t all be mohair. Well, I suppose it can, but it won’t be the same. Ha…..but right now, this minute….I have extra fibers!!! Yay! Thank you Natalie! And Yay…..thank you secret friend!!! You both have really helped me to smile on smileless days. I really appreciate you both. Ooooh, I gotta go to sleep now….3:07am = 1 = Beginnings.

Well, here I am in the land of…it’s so pretty!!! I’ve never seen anything like it!!!! I’m not so sure I like this land. I’d rather be in the land of…..it’s so pretty……Its so unique, I just have to have one!!! Hell ya! I literally have things on the floor now. So many arts, crammed into one small space. It’s been awhile since I’ve mentioned Monk. I’ve come to the for sure realization, as I figured…..that he meant no harm. He truly is a very sweet man, who just happened to say all the wrong things. Hehe. He’s doing better now since I told him that one day that he was hurting my feelings. Today he saw my newest creation and suggested I get in touch with Versace. LOL. One lady today, was interested in one of the small low detail paintings I did to sell at a low price. I said fifty dollars. Oh…no, she couldn’t. If she could afford it, she needed to pay $125 she said. Heheeee. That helps my artbroken selfesteem.

Detour to the goats…..I noticed a baby with a cough. A week later, another baby with a cough. Then, when we had the money to buy the Ivomec….a 3rd baby with a cough. I had just wormed the whole herd….so it must be something else. Liver flukes or lungworm I guess. My understanding is same medicine, but………here’s the rub. I didn’t give it in time. I had the medicine here nearly 2 weeks and was waiting….dummy…..was waiting for the ideal time when I had both helpers and could do another medicine day. Well…..big mistake. I caused my baby so much pain. I just didn’t give the meds in time for the 3rd one coughing. So, when I saw she was in trouble….I got Jesse to help and we gave shots to all 3….just as dark was setting. Still alive next day but collapsing occasionally. So…..I gave her regular wormer and special treatment and treats to give her energy. I am speaking of my precious bottle baby. This morning upon check….she was in death position….a horrible one. In fact, so horrible I thought maybe it was a symptom….so I texted Jesse and asked him to take a photo for me. He said she was crying. When I saw her, I thought she was minutes from death…..and my presence was making it longer, so I left. You see….thats the difference between an old fart and a newbie. The newbie thought….oh, what a horrible position and he lifted the goat up. She was just stuck! Yes, she is still sick….but not on deaths door! Gave instructions and she had drench and was able to get up. Then she ate. Yay…..and now I’ll tell you her name. Flutterbug! My baby! Yes, I already lost my Erbie. Also…Thor is having issues. Had Jesse worm him the other day for me and today I saw he looks sick again so he wormed him again….just in case it’s a large load. If he’s still bad tomorrow….I’ll try a different wormer. I don’t hang out at the boy area….don’t know his symptoms, except ones I see….like, is he coughing? But my baby girl is alive and I’m sooooooo sooooooo happy!

Excitement is building now as the store owners get ready for First Friday Art Walk. There’s a featured artist in my building, so yay!!!! Even better! Guess I’ll let ya go so I can fuss some more over placements. Night!!! Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch. PS…ok…..the gutwrenching truth…..I just wanna run out the door. Night y’all.

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The NON RAINBOW WARRIORs……

I hear the bitterness. I hear the anger. The natives of this land are not shy about their feelings and they so hate the white man. I’m 53. I grew up on Indian stories and I was always on the side of the Indian. Later, I was an avid reader of romance novels and most of those were geared around the native theme. Not just romance though, I read many stories and books about the Indians lives. Actually, the romance novels…gotta give em credit! These people do their research! I learned more from the romance ones than any other kind. I digress. I feel connected to the Indians. I used to worship them….ya, that’s a good term for it. I idolized them. I had myself on a low low pasture and I had the natives on a high high mountain. I was nothing but a rug for them to step on, so they wouldn’t hurt their feet. I had nothing but disgust and disdain and putrid feelings for the whites who carried out such heinous acts against the natives. In every instance, they were betrayed. I felt like the betrayer, since my skin is white. I have carried the guilt of what was done to the Indians my whole life. It’s just such an awful thing to have happen to a people. A whole people. Families. Mothers, fathers, grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts, uncles, sisters brothers….people wronged. People wronged so badly that there just really is no coming back from it. I can see that now. This makes me so sad. I had such high hopes….for the Rainbow Family. The rainbow tribe. The coming together of all shades of skin color, to fight together for the planet, the animals, the plants, trees, and even the bees. The rainbow warrior. Hmmm. Well, it might be prophesized but it sure as hell ain’t a happenin. Every day, I see on FB that that day is a long day away. There is still so much anger. It seems to me, that the way I feel about the gov…..is the way the Indians feel about us all. Not just the gov….but us all. We whites. I feel laughed at and jaded. I’m feeling disillusioned about it. Ha. Silly little girl thought it would just take a bit of time and kindness….nope. There’s a line there. It’s been drawn in the sand. I want to blow it away. Wipe it clean like the sand art….destroyed upon completion. This is one of my wishes. Rainbow people…..ONE.

And another one…..The native American Reservations……You know, the lands they were forced onto and “given”. ….ya, those. Well….those…..are in dire shape. Their states…..are deprived of so much….due to the White man….ie the GOV…….and their tricky dick papers. The way things are worded…..make it impossible for good living to take place. Too much contradiction….and with laws…contradiction makes for confusion so there is no compromise….no completion. Nothing gets done. Nothing can get done. Ha…they stuck the Hopi…..inside of the big huge piece of land they gave the Navajo/Din’e. Imagine that. Surrounded…..but they got along and are still alive. Barely. All that casino money…..it doesn’t go to the people like you/we all think it does. They live in a 3rd world country….right here in the USA. Every year I ask for people to send them donations of hats, blankets, scarves, money…..musical instruments would be great this year too. Food, things to make heat, wood for warmth, walls, roofs….you know. Living supplies. Oh, btw, they didn’t kill each other off like the forefathers figured…..no….they just kill themselves instead. To avoid the misery. How proud must we Americans be? But see…..there I go, taking ownership of the betrayal and massacre of an entire people. Entire peoples of peoples.

I spent the entire day from wakeup till 6pm working on the failed felt scarf. Personally, I don’t know why they would want it. It was requested…has used up so much precious Petunia fleece and I bet when they get it they say…yuk….i’m not paying for that. It’s way too wide, and way too thick…and just not gonna hang right on the body. Just depressing. I’m not liking this…special order stuff. Not good at it. I was afraid it would mess up again, so I needle felted it. That’s why it took all day. Also….I told Cathy that due to weather, we are done shearing for winter. We will do butts of those wearing poo….still having poo issues, but that’s it. Just to remove the burn and the wetness so they can stay warm. So….I took photos of what is about to be lost. Wanted to show you the loss I’m about to take. So….in todays photos…..notice the ones wearing fleeces. All those fleeces…….are a loss now. Very sad. Last year, the pups got into Etta’s bag and tore it to shreds….and this year, it’s still on her. What a waste of goodness. I just never could catch up. I guess having a Doctor tell you you’re dying….puts a lil damper on things…..and this is the result. All of this makes me very sad. But hey…..it’s not all bad. I got that awesome ScrapBox sent by a friend…..got those curls on the way…..still have the gallery for this month and ye never know….I just might sell something. Think I’ll hang up my keys after December though if nothing sells. Another waste of money…..when money is needed. Very sad. Damn. Wanted to show you I got joy too….but I just stepped right on out of that scenario. I believe the best word to describe me right now is……OVERWHELMED. I told Cathy it was like having a gazillion braids on….and people pulling them from all directions. Frankly, I just wanna vomit. Sorry. Better go. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch.

I was…..wwwrrrrrrong…..yes, WRONG. Wrong wrong wrong.

This is my journey. My journey. Others will do things very different, but you see….each person, each human is different therefore each person will have different reactions, perceptions, emotions, challenges, wills, feelings and beliefs. Although beliefs are just a pile of things I’ve decided to believe….ha…doesn’t necessarily make em true. But, as long as I do believe them…they will sway me. Sway like a palm tree in the wind. Ha, I just had a visual of a palm tree swaying so far that the coconut growing up top went flying like a catapult in my brain. Lol. Anyway….I’ve had a few reactions to my reactions and I just wanted to emphasize that it is indeed MY journey and therefore will not match your expectations. Sure, you can guess at how I will react to something but in the end…unless you’re my twin….I doubt it. So….drop your expectations when you arrive at the YeeHaw Ranch cuz I am way unique. And if I live different than most…I will most likely die different than most. On the other hand…..I’ve decided not to die. How silly is that? Tell me I’m dying. Jeeze. Not nice and I’m just not gonna accept that directive. I do what I set my mind to. So basically….since I’ve learned how to treat the body lately…..I’ll go ahead and do my best or sorta best to live by some of the new rules or suggestions…and I’ll take all the meds and herbs that are recommended for someone with a wishy washy liver and that’s it. I’ll just keep living! What do ya think of my new plan? Ya…..ok….I’ll still do what I need to do…….all the while knowing….I”M HEALED!!! (this is a psych exercise….a manifest) Oh….and ya…….I’m gonna have down days and angry days. And if I have an angry day…..there ya go….I have an angry day. Nothing more, nothing less. It’s not like I’ve changed personalities overnight. What you expect of me one day…..will most likely hold for other days as well.

Woke up this morning to a cold front that caught me completely by surprise. Took the puppy outside barefoot and holy crap!!!!! COLD! 44 degrees! Haha…at least I didn’t have to wash fleece today in it! Nope…only wetfelt. Not as bad, cuz done indoors….UGGGH, and it failed. Completely and udderly…failed. Just a non felted pile of curls…and a complete waste of a day. Or not completely. Oh man…sometimes it just seems like life is conspiring….to frustrate the hell out of you. On the other hand…..life can just as easily surprise you in a good way. As some of y’all saw….Natalie chose me to WIN some fiber. Nah, that was yesterday folks….it don’t work that fast!!! Hehe….but she did, and she mailed it today. She was obviously in a Christmas giving mood. She’s already told me it’s not ideal, its felted….but it is beautiful….so……I shall make something even more beautiful with it. I’m a very determined cookie. I’m so excited to see! I’ll let you know when it arrives! But that’s not all. A friend has bought me a ScrapBox!!! It arrived today…just when I was so angry and crying over the failure of the scarf. It is stunningly beautiful. Ooooooh…can’t wait! Don’t know which ScrapBox it is….but it’s pastels and oh so pretty. Hehe….these ScrapBox things are awesome!!! And the dyed curls on the way……ya…..I will make something awesome with them! I will, I will!
Hubby paid a local lady (frame shop), to take photos for prints. Well….there are a few more for me to pick up, but so far…only one was good enough to print and that was after fudging with it. That’s the owly dreams that I had printed to canvas and art paper. Need to find a cheaper way….but also, need to find a better way to get prints. SO…..I have dusted off the ole Nikon. Jeeze, it’s been years….and during those years, the battery charger moseyed off and away, so I got a generic one today at Best Buy. It will be ME. Ha. But still…want my money back from the lady. :=)) Probably won’t ask. Anyway….I’d like to be able to sell prints so it’s not so expensive. So far though, I haven’t found a place that can do it at a good price. I tried my first sealer on a painted domino. Hmmm. Need some junk ones to try it on….little bubbles…..I love little bubbles, but not on something like this. My friend KathyBlue is helping me…..she’s the domino pendant lady! Well, to me she is. Oh!!!!! Guess what??? Ha. Well…..they say people don’t fess up when wrong….especially women. Well….here is one woman who is right now…before your very eyes….saying……..I WAS WRONG. Remember that painting that was stolen at the festival last year? Guess what. It wasn’t!!! I found a trash bag way up high on a shelf, while looking for my camera battery thingy. It was inside!!! Along with a few others….generic ones….not a scene…just batts, needlefelted. Ha…and the lil Christmas tree just in time for Christmas! How funny! So glad it wasn’t stolen after all…..and glad the dude didn’t give me a free vendor spot! So….Einstein is once again….here. So funny…..hard to leave it alone……my art has changed since then and I want so badly to change it! So…my apologies to any who got overly righteous about the thief getting bad karma! LOL.

My goats are pretty cold right now I presume. Poor dears. Don’t tell me to put sweaters on them. The only time sweaters work here is on brand new babies…all other sweaters are promptly removed by a herd of goats. Yes, they help each other. Gosh….had so much on my mind….and it’s all just vanished. Poof! Oh well. So…….yay for ScrapBoxes….yay for Natalie….yay for friends who care(so many of you!!!)…yay for cookies…..yay for deciding I am just fine and not sick….yay for trying new things and yay for all the art I shall be doin soon with all these new goodies! Praying I can successfully felt that scarf tomorrow…..dang, and I had it all so pretty, just like I wanted it. Also, I forgot how much fleece it takes to wetfelt!!! Dang!!! Expensive!!! Only had it priced at $60 so will be taking a loss. It’s a 14 wide scarf. Anyway……I have cried less today so that’s a good thing. Very grateful for kind people and sweet people and generous people and happy people. And you sad people….I’m grateful for you too! Holler at me…we can be sad together. Love you guys. Signing off in coldsville….YeeHaw Ranch. Oh….and remember….this is MY journey……it won’t look like yours.

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