heart lessons….as fast as I can

While I was under the blanket, sliding down walls and thinking thoughts, I was also feeling alive. Have you ever noticed that it’s when we are in times of trouble or stress or sadness or grief….these are our alive times. We Feel everything. When it’s just joy…I know I know….it should never be Just Joy…but when it is joy or happiness or giddiness or gratefulness…any of the quote positive emotions, we really aren’t doing much thinking…much analyzing. Much thinking or learning about who we are. As I sit in my imaginary wall slunk position, I contemplate everything. Life…death….how did I get here? Who am I? Who do I wanna be if not her? We ponder. We dig. We rarely dig when in joy. No…joy is just that. Joy. The completion of feelings to their culmination. Satisfaction. Joy. Ending to a thing, that has produced good feelings in the belly. When we are in the throes, the belly is in full active use….aching, needing, wanting, hating, crying, heaving. All belly things. I guess that’s why the belly is the yellow chakra. The solar plexus. The warrior in us, the wisdom, the self respect. Hmmm, does joy have a chakra? No, I don’t believe so. Joy is also felt in the belly, but it’s fleeting….cuz joy is fleeting. Quick. A transient emotion that is rather elusive and somewhat rare. I have felt it a lot in the past 14 years. Beyond that…a few times…births. That’s about it. But solar plexus emotions…wowza…familiar I am. I learned tonight that I am, part of what we are supposed to be doing….what I’m supposed to be doing, is to understand myself. Hmmm. I already do that. I analyze most if not all of my thoughts. Apparently not all, or I would be further along. Oh, I also learned that to wish or crave to be…further along, which I tend to do…is to discredit the me now. See….there’s that now again. Man, it sure pops up everywhere. My constant wish to be further enlightened…discredits the phase of enlightenment that I am NOW, presently in. And whats wrong with this phase of knowing…understanding? Nothing, absolutely nothing. I just am in a hurry right now. Oooooh, I also read that if you are aware of an illness…you live longer than one who is unaware…cuz since you’re aware…you make changes. I am aware of my illness now and boy have I made changes!!! So….these things are presently on my mind….my mind….and the need for it….the sometimes wish for the silence of it…but ultimately, the gift of it….as well as the thoughts. Oh those thoughts. There are a gazillion each day. I was so blessed to watch/witness my brains process last night. It’s not an ordinary feat. Usually we are so caught up in the moment, in the misery or whatever emotion is happening….that we lose sight of what is happening inside the mind or the body. I was blessed with a full view…..like a mini movie and I got to help choose the outcome. I got to steer the outcome. I got to see the path and choose not to take it. Remarkable. Quite the learning lesson. So many things going on for me…whether they be thoughts or repercussions or outcomes of thoughts…..some important some not yet deemed unimportant…but should be. I’m in college now, spiritual college…..way past the 12 th grade…..yet….headed back to kindergarten. Simplicity. Recognize all thoughts as….thoughts that can be changed. Recognize all parts of self as necessary and important…even the so called negative ones. They are all part of me…part of you. They make us who we are each second of the day. They get us to turn left or right or have us stay straight and steady. Every thought…makes up who we are. Yay!!! Thoughts are fun! I learn. Night night. Sleep tight. 2:47am = 4 = Angels. Oh…they have left the building….taking a break and will arrive at the new homes on Sunday. Don’t forget! May they bless you as much as you need blessed. Amen. Ps….My mug broke. My favorite mug…of which there are 2 identical….was broken with complete careless-ness. I was removing my bed pillow leany thing and could feel the careless-ness in my hands…in my body…felt the brokenness of something about to be. Oh no! My mug. I wanted to cry. In the end, I simply remade the chamomile tea and put it in a different mug. A completely different mug. As I sit here and drink it, I realeyes, it is the same chamomile tea…just the vessel is different. Is that what happens when we die? We stay the same and are put in a new vessel?….and we grow from there? Like part 2, 3, 4, etc in a movie???? I wonder these things. I like that I wonder these things.
I have new music again. Oh, still listen to Amma stuff, of course, but this is more generic…and what a soothing voice this man has. Krishna Das. Just love his music. Ye know, there are some mornings when I wake and I rush to open and read last nights blog portion. Sometimes my learnings come so fast and furious that I wonder how it translated with my words. Today was one of those days, but as usual…I like it and I don’t think it’s too hard to follow. I teach as I learn. Rather like the baby who touches the stove…learns that is hot and it causes ouch and don’t do it again……I am that baby, but I speak fluent English and I don’t just get the owie, I tell people about the owie and how it felt and how I feel about it now too. Hehe, all encompassing learning. Sorta full circle. But nevertheless…it is coming hard and fast for me now. Then again, I did wish it. Reminds me of my wish for enlightenment on that shooting star back in 2006. Boy did I get my wish that time! And I’m getting it now too. I asked it of Amma and I asked again to the Angels. I feel a hurry, an urgency…but then again, most people probably do who have been told they are dying. I’m not dying though. I am taking the reins of this dis-ease in my body. I do believe we have figured out the regimen, protocol. We haven’t fully calculated the price yet though. It certainly won’t be anything like the out of country fixes. This is a protocol of many different things at once. I may wait till after I am cured before I tell you what they all are….after all, I do have a bit of influence possibly and until I know for sure something works….I don’t wanna give it a ton of energy and have bunches of people taking it. Let’s just see what they do. Some go together like pie and ice cream and others are just selected for their own properties. My own…hopefully….personal cure. But like I said…if they work…I will share…of course. It feels good to have finally chosen. Finally decided. I have combined some you knew of and some you didn’t. An all around cure and when completed…I should be one healthy lady! And my lungs should be quite good again…..even though I abused them myself….I still can help them out….and they will help me, they are a part of me after all and our goal is to survive and thrive. Ok….many words today. Sorry sorta. :=))) Later Chickies and Roo’s!!! Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch. Ps…….There are a few people out there to whom I am ever so grateful. Thank YOU from my healing heart.

20140731-173927.jpg

20140731-174138.jpg

20140731-174641.jpg

20140731-174726.jpg

20140731-174801.jpg

20140731-174828.jpg

20140731-174900.jpg

20140731-174933.jpg

20140731-174959.jpg

20140731-175024.jpg

20140731-175045.jpg

and Another CurveBall!!!!!

I am witnessing history. I am watching from aside…my brain as it goes through the motions of what it is going through. I am watching it decide what to do…to be. It is deciding my fate…my absolute and literal fate. Or….I coulda been. Honestly. I watched myself divide and decide what to do with myself and a newly acquired perception. I coulda gone oh so many directions but in the end…I went the way of the me of the now. Nothing changed…just new knowledge to simmer with. That was a choice. It coulda gone so bad. I made that conscious choice to not go the way of the downtrodden. I didn’t go forward though. I did stall a bit by swallowing but I am a very good swallower of information not fit for public consumption. I will give respect to the music. Ye who couldn’t be found, to put me in the funk I so desired…yet delivered contentment in the form of Shiva for an hour…..over and over and over…..one or two lines. In fact, it is working again now as I type to a Ganesha one line chant. Seems to be needed tonight while I shove these feelings under the rug until I sort through them and figure it all out. I know…you don’t understand, don’t know what’s bothering me. Sorry. That will probably be a familiar feeling in the near future. Lots to say…lots I shan’t say. Lord how I hate that. Some necessarily silent and some just so stupidly mysterious when its just a new way of thinking. A new awareness for Sheri. In its most simplistic form…..as I was saying in the last blog, it’s a thought. I can change it. Tonights funny is that I changed it….experienced that and saw where it was going and like a horse…reined it in. Now it’s in the garage. Yes, a metaphorical garage. Goodnight folks…I shall see what dreams these thoughts shall bring. Later. 2:06am = 8 = Infinity. Man, that’s long.
Needs…met and unmet. I made a list of such. In the end, I was gut wrenchingly honest with Summer about life…death…what I want, what I think I want….what I might need. What I thought I wanted. All sorts of stuff. End result? Hmmm, not much different here. One would think that such a discussion would evoke some sort of realization or guesstimation of what to do next. Not. Still floundering around….haha…flounders don’t flounder…they hide on the bottom of the ocean and pull sand over them…much like the blanket I was speaking about. They hide and come out when it’s safe. Reminds me of that clown fish movie. They thought it was safe and they were playing and whammo…..the wife is dead….and dad is now dad to only one baby instead of a hundred. Probably easier though. So many choices….thoughts going on here today…and last night. Todays are more relevant it seems. More in the moment. It all comes down to money. Need of it….lack of it. And then…if I did get the money….what would that do? Would that cure me? And if I was cured….what would that mean? What would be different than now? Why is everything hinged on this mystery day when I get cured? And what if I don’t get cured? Pretty sure I can be…if I wanna be. There seem to be a plethora of choices. Some don’t require much money at all and some cost a friggin fortune…..That would be the cannabis and the Iboga. Ayahuasca doesn’t appear to be too too costly but I gotta say, as time goes by, I get more and more fearful of either of those…aya or iboga. Fearful of getting stuck inside my brain. But death would free that, wouldn’t it? But Lordie…the thought of an insane asylum scares me too much. They don’t care for you at all there. I’m dealing with loss of a belief. I’m also dealing with possible loss of my life on the spinning ball. 2 big things. Beliefs are huge. When one gets shattered…pieces are then picked up, some are glued in place, some are lost under the bed forever, some get kicked under a door, some break so much they no longer fit. So much to deal with….so little time. I can’t even explain….no I can’t. I can’t tell you what I’m weighing out, or my newest possibilities. Not wise. Part of todays analysis was about the fundraiser. Why a fundraiser and what does it do for you Sheri? Well, it would mean that people care enough about me that they don’t want me to die and they send money so I can get better. If they sent the money, what would that mean? That I’m worthy. That I’m loveable. Loveable enough to deserve to be here. Loveable enough to be here whether deserved or not. Why not just plain loveable? Isn’t that enough? But is it? Then what? Ok…so they love me and they send me money and tada…I’m cured. Then what? Then, maybe we just go back to …..life. Experiencing, then sharing, learning, then sharing, Ooooh……maybe a good thing would be that I could stop looking at my art as a way to make money….instead of as ART. Playing with art. Art is supposed to be play. Freedom was the final answer. Apparently I don’t feel free at all. Apparently I feel owned and dictated to. Isn’t that the choice I made when I chose to be safe and to choose a marriage of convenience? Convenient? Ya, ok….bed, shelter, food…..and whatever said conveniencer wants me to have. That has been my bottomline for 14 years. If it fits his needs…then it’s allowed to fit mine. Am I too harsh? Or…am I too truthy? Truth wins. Or loses. Not sure anymore. Well…..I have much more to ponder. Many more holes to poke in my big ball of life so I can see more…have more points of light, therefore more awareness. Night for the moment. And…there is only…the moment…..this one…no this one….no, this one! Love you guys. Signing off with confusion at YeeHaw Ranch.

20140730-182620.jpg

20140730-182654.jpg

20140730-182721.jpg

20140730-182802.jpg

20140730-182840.jpg

20140730-182936.jpg

20140730-182957.jpg

20140730-183014.jpg

20140730-183037.jpg

20140730-183124.jpg

20140730-183145.jpg

20140730-183213.jpg

20140730-183251.jpg

just a THOUGHT….

I forgot to mention in my last words, that all of those things I was saying….they were thoughts. They were just thoughts. Thoughts can be replaced. I however, cannot. So, if my thoughts are dangerous to me, why then by golly I need to choose new ones! Safer ones, and healthier ones. Like….well, if you slide down that wall Sheri, you could get a splinter. Or, Sheri, these feelings are only for a moment. See…new one here now…irritation. Ya, get outta my way, I’m having a meltdown. Well then Miss Priss, when you melt down, just make sure you do it in that bucket instead of the bed cuz we gotta sleep on it. Haha….ya, I’m in a Mood. Seriously now…I would say…just breathe, you’ll be ok, just hold on…a new moment is on the way….that will surely carry you away like Calgon. Ah gosh…it is late…my only defense. I do indeed want a cigarette. I’m learning Non Violent Communication…..i think it actually goes by another name…anyway, I’m learning not to say can’t. I can’t. Or, Summer won’t let me eat that. Won’t let me, can’t. Both are helpless victim states. This is just one aspect about the thing…. One that affects me personally….from my own lips. Usually though, this method is used to communicate with others. It is based on needs…met and unmet. The bane of all existence. Needs….met and unmet. Let that sink in. I think it means that everything we say or do…is based on…needs, met and unmet. We are a huge jimble jamble of needs. Like a ball of yarn….all wrapped up but so easily unraveled….to then possibly tangle. A tangled mess or a carefully wrapped ball…..it is still the same thing….a big thing of needs.
Well, my life is what it is, so I don’t really have time for long drawnout depressions now. I gotta recognize it, feel it, appreciate it and comfort it…all in the space of like a day now. No time to spare. And I can’t ignore it cuz if I do…I’ll spend my last days in a bad bad way. Not hardly Ethel. Ya, I feel different. Y’all can see it too can’t ya? Stuff to do, decisions to make. Oh those are the hardest for me. Always have been. I try to live my life in so predictable a way that I don’t need to make decisions. Oh sure, some slip through the cracks of my wonderful cement work, and I deal with them usually. I was about to say…I Have to…decide which cure to reach for. Hmmm. It will benefit me greatly if I choose a cure now. Ya…much better. Holy Bologna to me but yes, still much better. See, this stuff albeit spot on and truer than true……reminds me of psychiatry. Analysis. Shrinks. Summer wanted me to learn this stuff years ago and when she used it on me back then and even lately…I would get oh so pissed. Telling her if I wanted to be shrinked, I’d pay money and go to one. Do not shrink me in my own home. Ha…I now have a friend who does that for a living. Psychiatry, that is. Now however, I can see some merits and could probably use it to discuss things with hubby and maybe others in the future. But right NOW….I’m alone so nobody is telling me what to think, say, feel, eat or do. Not even me. Got a bit of painting done. You guys haven’t seen a painting in forever…but that’s cuz I haven’t done one in forever. I have a few in progress but none far enough along really to show, or so. I do have a Buddha head….and all it needs is a tiny bit at the ear…..but until I put that tiny bit in at the ear…nobody is seeing it! It’s funny, we giggled tonight that each totem painting we do…teaches us what to say on the instructions. Like tonights for example….No more than 2 pets. Ha! Pets are added pressure cuz they are precious to the recipient. Tonights totem has 4, but…one is a generic one straight from google and that helps! One more to go and I can relax and have fun with the rest of the painting. But, to be strictly honest….the google one is the one that gave me the most fits. Go figure. Another one taught us to be specific on how many trees. And another allowed in the use of dieties. We do…we learn. Well…it’s late and I’ve been silly enough tonight, but at least it’s better or different than the depression sounds of yesterday! But hey….it is what it is and I is what I is. I am Love…regardless of who and how many I show it to…myself included. 3:27am = 3 = Holy. Night night.
I’ve had a fairly good day. No sadness, yay!!! I worked some on the totem and I had the most yummy pancakes for lunch. They are found at Whole Foods and are called Angel Pancake mix. Hehe, of course they are! Cathy came for a visit and I even swept up kitty litter. Wowza, what a day! We have come up with a way to acquire money…and it involves another trip. Get to explain that to hubby…but on the other hand…he’s been clearly telling me there is no money…so what can he say??? Go forth and prosper!!! Also, Summer has been directed to another cure or two….one being rather squished and squashed like the cannabis oil…you know how those plastic makers feel about hemp, right? It competes with their ropes and such. I’ll tell ya more about this one when I know a bit more…no need to raise any dander yet. It’s fixin to storm and I gotta wait on Jesse to finish eating his lunch. No way can I do todays feed without him…Summer has gone into Austin for a few food supplies and the library for some Pema Chodron. Hey, how come people don’t quote me? Haha….I say some gooduns sometimes, eh??? And where is my Freshly Pressed already??? Come on WordPress…it’s on my bucketlist, ye know!!!??? Hey…I watched a good TedTalk….Dying to be Me…Anita Moorjani. Not putting the link in today. Feeling lazy…and its gonna rain. My mind is moving, body isn’t tho cuz I’m waiting on the boy. Really good video tho about how much we are aware of.
Erbie is lookin good today. Oh…have I told you? This is a reminder to all goat owners. These guys are tough….rock iron tough….sure a tiny worm can take em down and out…but other than that, they are extremely tough. So tough…that an injured leg can very well be a broken leg….and the goat wouldn’t say a word…lol, or scream a scream. Or say ouch. My Erbie…now is a bow legged Erbie cuz his limp from way back…turns out it was a break..therefore it set all wrong cuz I didn’t know. Shoulda known, cuz of Khalifa last year, but this was different. Erbie was just limping…his leg wasn’t just hanging there like Khalifa’s. So, my poor baby will forever walk funny now. I so admire these tough lil things. Ok…well, craving some more Angel pancakes but eating popcorn. Eat…it’s all I do. Signing off in better spirits….from YeeHaw Ranch.

20140729-174428.jpg

20140729-174531.jpg

20140729-174559.jpg

20140729-174625.jpg

20140729-174705.jpg

20140729-174731.jpg

20140729-174759.jpg

20140729-174825.jpg

20140729-174927.jpg

20140729-174958.jpg

20140729-175028.jpg

20140729-175057.jpg

20140729-175152.jpg

20140729-175237.jpg

…..AND she sinks

How much do I love thee…me…let me count the ways. Hmmmm. 0 Zero. Apparently zero. I hear all the time that it is impossible to love others unless you first love yourself. Well I am here to tell you that is Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. I love fast, hard and deep………yet I cannot stand up for myself. I cannot shield myself. Cannot protect myself. Cannot love myself. Why is that? I can see. I’m an intelligent being and I can see what kind of person I am. I can feel what kind of person I am as well. Intellectually I can tell you that I am a good, kind loving nurturing helping human. So why am I not worthy of my own love? I am falling down a pit again. AGAIN for ggods sakes. WHY???? I want to scream it. Why? But no, I am the little girl, sliding down the wall, in the corner, covering her face with her hands and head held in downward dejected position. Hiding. Don’t see me. Please, don’t see me. I’m not worth seeing. So many others are. Look at them. NO matter how good I feel, how good a mood I am in, how happy and full of joy I seem…in the end, I am that dejected lost little girl, who sees no hope…..who sees no light…stuck in the tunnel. I am so stuck. I can’t even save myself. I’m dying and there are many cures available….yet….I cannot make decisions. I cannot speak up for myself as to what I want….so….nothing happens. Day after day….time goes by. My Time. My seconds are counting…ticking by…tick tick tick. You see? There they went. Just gone. Soon, I will be, just gone. Who will care? Will I? What is wrong with me that I can’t love a human like me? A special human like me.
As an artist….the artist in me wants to leave a legacy…all the art that will make people look and say…oh wow…how true. I don’t. I just do animals. I don’t really do art. And even then….if I were dying…I seem to say that to myself a lot…If I were dying, wouldn’t I wawnt to leave lots and lots of animals to be remembered by? Ya, maybe as an artist…but not as Sheri. Oh no, Sheri just sits. Sits and stares at the art….or the blank canvas. Nothing is worthy of being immortalized….documented…oh, except these writings. And what is up with that? Why does someone who wants to stay hidden, want to blog to the world? I have always said I am a walking contradiction and I’m walking as fast as I can….but this is ridiculous.
Stand up! Load your car with your art and your art supplies and your pillow and some food…and go. Just go. Go to California and sell on street corners. Work in front of them, take requests. Collect the money and save it. Then, buy a couple plane tickets and go to India. Learn what the heck you’re missing abouot the Godness of each of us. Learn what is missing from your mind. Learn what thehy say you have forgotten and be done with it. But…..[play with the elephants while you are there. Swim in the ocean while you are there. Smell the ocean breeze while you are there. Have I told you how much I love the ocean? Have I told you how severely I want to hug an elephant? And be hugged back? Have I told you that everything I learn….deep down….I’m learning for others? For you maybe? It is my desire….to help others who are so swallowed and sitting in the dark. Oh sure…I see the light most of the time these days….but do you friggin know how dark the dark is???? When it comes….its still every bit as dark as it always was….even though you were just in the light!!!! It matters not. The dark is still the dark and the light is still the light and apparently the two don’t like to mix much. Crash…I’d love to see that crash. I’d love to be in it. I think I’d come out as a rainbow. A bit of all. That would be nice. A rainbow human…nobody could scoff at that…and while wishes were horses….my wish would be not a horse, but a baby elephant, also rainbow colored like me. And we would go everywhere together, especially to the beach. Last night, I went to the beach in my heart where Jesus is lately…and saw this angry woman stomping around…on MY beach!!! How dare she? That’s my beach. In MY heart!!! This is wrong, oh so all wrong. I am at a loss. I don’t know where to put my next foot to step. I don’t know how to step, where to step, why to step, when to step. Lost. I feel lost. Wrap me in a cocoon and store me until…..heck I dunno…just until. Oh…until I Can be a rainbow human with a rainbow baby elephant friend. There. That is my wish. I have wished. The end. Signing off today at Yee and Haw Ranch. Left and Right. Hmmm….what about up, down, straight and behind? Just toss a blanket on me. If I figure it all out…I’ll lift my head. Ps…I then see someone who is down…and I say…NO…don’t be down! You shouldn’t be down! Not YOU!!! Here, I’ll come outta my cave and help pull you back up. Go figure. (Just a page in the book of Sheri)

20140728-190224.jpg

20140728-190259.jpg

20140728-190345.jpg

20140728-190542.jpg

20140728-190559.jpg

20140728-190614.jpg

20140728-190634.jpg

20140728-190656.jpg

20140728-190826.jpg

20140728-190908.jpg

20140728-191001.jpg

20140728-191155.jpg

lil bit of stuff

A very depressing day. I walked in the door…unloaded a few groceries and told Summer I was laying down. I did, crying…then I slept for about 2 hours. I woke crying. It’s ok…I get it. It is my new life, whatever that entails…obviously entails feeling hurt a lot. Hubby was upset to not get to go to his restaurant of choice. Yup…upset. I can’t eat fried food and that’s what I eat at Chinese. So, he did it, but unwillingly. Then, at the grocery store check out…I heard her say the total. Instead of the expected or at least hoped for reaction of…wow…look how much you’re saving us each week since you quit……NOPE….instead I got….Boy you sure are expensive. When I reacted, he said it only cost him $72 when I wasn’t home. I said….I can leave. Support? Ya….as in a bra I no longer wear. Haven’t worn a bra in ten years with a tiny exception here and there. So ya…..my mind is places it has no business being. Doc said being happy was key to my survival. I know she’s right. Also….I ate all night long….and I don’t mean healthy eating. Oh, food was healthy…just not the amount or the amount of different items. Basically….if I’m awake, I’m eating. But not painting. Not funny. Every moment not painting is wasted time sorta…depending of course on how important the reason I’m not painting is. Night night, not making sense I see. 1:52 = 8 = infinity.
Ok…so that was yesterdays fun. What a joy. Todays was trying to figure out doseage of a drug. Shouldn’t be this dang hard. I guesstimated on one you’re not supposed to guesstimate on. I figure he’s already in bad shape. He lives or he dies. Ya, I need a cigarette. Maybe I’m being harsh but this crap gets old. If anyone out there knows the correct doseage for Corrid….straight outta the bottle…no mixing with water, just straight…lemme know. I guessti8mated on Crystal and she’s doing good. If only I remembered what I did…or wrote it down…or could find the notebook where I wrote it down, IF I wrote it down. Ya…one of Those days. Been painting on the totem painting I started before I left. Have come to the conclusion…..these take gazillions and trabillions of work. Going this small is not the easiest of feats and I do not charge enough. I am however….now 2 small animals down and a ton of work to go! Gotta get in a better mood cuz this ain’t nowhere near done. Smile Sheri….I showed my friend George three of the items on here and she wrote back….Holy holy, those are beautiful. So, that helps.
Have ya ever bit your lip and it swells a bit so that you end up biting it again? Hehe…well, magnify that 12 or more times and you’ve got my lip. Funny that I don’t look like I’ve gone 5 rounds with Rocky though! It’s from all that eating ye know. I am now 97 ¼ lbs. I was offered $600 for my favorite painting at the gallery. Which, when split with the gallery, comes to $360. That was very sad to me. Shoot, might be my favorite painting period. Regardless, that answer was no. I’m feeling like I shouldn’t even put this blog out. Just depressing stuff every other word. Although….I’m actually not depressed. Nope. Just ticked about a ton of things….and got a ton of things on my mind. We are hosting the ArchAngels and are on our 3rd day I believe. Some people might think it silly, but hey….you got someone better to entertain??? I feed mine cookies! Oh, and was recently introduced to another Archangel…..Lord Lanto. I like this guy. I like that he chose to help us lil people. Lil is correct cuz these guys are BIG! Also…wherever I came from before this time….they were BIG too. Very big. Maybe that explains my fascination with the tee tiny. It began as a child with forest scapes in a glass bowl. I’ve attempted teeny ever since. Teeny babies outta clay, teeny food, a teeny plate of Thanksgiving meal, etc. I was asked to do teeny this art thing, and thought…NO, I don’t think I wanna do that. As it is, I’m making somebodys dog at 3×5. Who knows, I may challenge myself. But I think the dog worked. Haha…Summer told me I was fired. From what???? From deciding if my work is any good. Lol. I was going on and on about the sea turtle I was detailing and she came round….saw it and the dog and said…You’re Fired!!! Oi ve. Now to get an orb weaver web in place, before I gotta tear too much up to do it. Some things dictate what comes next and obviously…orb spider is next! Dinner is soon. Food is about all I think about. It’s the dang cigarettes. If I was smoking I wouldn’t care one whit what my next food would be. I’ll tell ya what though….ground turkey is gonna be on my grocery list forever! That meatloaf was awesome!!! Ok….I’m losing my stuff here. My writing skills have been reduced to rubble. Food and food and pissy ant problems. Time to say signing off at YeeHaw Ranch. Oh….and I hope y’all had a Great day!!! :=))))) heheheheeeee. Come back now, ye hear?!!!!

20140727-195027.jpg

20140727-195102.jpg

20140727-195134.jpg

20140727-195203.jpg

20140727-195233.jpg

20140727-195252.jpg

20140727-195315.jpg

20140727-195450.jpg

20140727-195604.jpg

20140727-195635.jpg

20140727-195709.jpg

20140727-195730.jpg

20140727-195801.jpg

20140727-195827.jpg

Gods perfect pain…

I’m listening to the really fast Amma song that I love so dearly. The one that makes me shake my head and dance in my seat. I adore feeling like that. My seated body twists and rocks in place, like a bobblehead doll. We have Angelic visitors tonight…were told to expect them. We have prepared a space for them and then we made cookies. Left them one. :=) Like a cookie for Santa. Well, Angels are a lot like Santa. They do indeed save the day and they bring peace and good tidings. So….did they really arrive? It most likely depends on the belief system of the one whose home they are to arrive at. You know I love Angels. Ye think I’m making them welcome? Hehe. It was fairly fun making the cookies….and really fun eating them. They agreed with my belly too…all the quality ingredients, eh? Unbleached wheat flour, sugar cane, organic chocolate chips. Yes, they were a splurge, but I’ve been craving these cookies since Anahata and finding so few things really. Last night I actually cried. We just went to Whole Foods and my choices for dinner are basically the same as they are every other night. Made me sad. Next time we go I won’t be so sick AND, will take a list! Well folks….it’s late….and no, no painting yet. 2:17am =1 = Beginnings!!! Night night folkie olkies.
I used to try to understand life. Why are we here? What is the purpose? I also used to wonder why Life was as it was. Why wasn’t it like a movie? If it was a movie then we could watch it, without having to actually feel the pain. I of course, was referring to the main pain in my life…the muscle disease in my arms and legs. It was to me…..SEVERE. Intolerable. Inhumane. Too much suffering for a human. I now know that there are other things worse, even some far worse, but while in the midst of my suffering, it seemed to have no kin. Nothing to say, Oh…..I know you. No…I was alone in my suffering with this particular suffering. To this day, I have not met another who has the same pain. My mom and Grammy dealt with it on a very small scale from what I understand. I now look at it as art. They were Gods first tries at the creation of this pain. He finally perfected it when He got to me, so it was unnecessary to repeat the art with my children. I mean, when you reach perfection in a painting….you have no need to paint that painting again, you move on to fresh new paintings. Thank you Father, I am honored to be your perfection.
Dreamed that my mom took me to a nursing home to introduce me to my real father, no, not my first real father…the real father. He was busy and I never did meet him but I met his friends and there was a double phallus on the floor of his room. Oh, and there were purple waves in the ocean. It was so real I was ready to call my mom and ask if there was any possibility I had a different dad. I even went lucid in it. First time ever. Not sure what to make of it but wow it was strong and seemed to be a long dream, cuz I remember aspects but they just hover and aren’t clear now. Interesting, eh?
I’m watching my favorite Amma song video again. I’ve put the link up before and told you it speeds up. Well, it doesn’t speed up until 12 minutes in on a 15 minute song. Y’all musta thought I was a big fat liar and just turned it off! Well, it does speed up and then it speeds up and then it speeds up and then its done. Just lovely.

Oh ya….hubby made dinner for us girls last night. Turkey meatloaf??? Actually YUM. Also steamed broccoli and ummmmm, mashed cauliflower. Not. Definitely not when there are red potatoes here. But it was nice to have at least a semblance of meatloaf and mashed taters!!! Well, got Erbie some drench but tomorrow think I’ll choose electrolytes instead. Also got a lot of the yuk off his butt. My poor Erbie, never been perfectly healthy. My next step, should he not make progress, will be to treat him as if he has cocci. That’s what I recently did with Crystal and wowza…she looks great. Rather like that baby I remember! She even came up to me yesterday when I called her name. Hasn’t done that in a year. Hmmm. It seems I’m always hungry now. Is it the no cigarette thing? Dunno but hungry now and Summers eat time is like 9:30….hate that part. She does my cooking now. Also the cleaning. The kitchen has completely lost all semblance of Mama. The pantries have been rearranged…as if I’m already gone. Hubby too does this. Nobody remembers or cares how Mama did it and I suppose it no longer matters. Last night making the cookies…we even argued about that….my hard earned mother baking advice was not wanted. That’s sad. At least Jesse wants it, that’s something!!!! I’m still here folks….why not take advantage of that? Ask me things. Get me to tell stories…I’ve got a shitload. Going thru something???? I probably already did it…might know an easier way. I’m just saying…..I have lived a long hard life in these 52 & 96% years(hehehe, ya…it’s almost my birthday! August 6th.)and I might know a thing or two to help. Alrighty then…enjoy your weekend wherever you are…whichever country you are reading this from….I love you. Sight unseen….I love you. God created you….therefore, you are so loveable!!! Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch.

20140725-185115.jpg

20140725-185144.jpg

20140725-185213.jpg

20140725-185241.jpg

20140725-185301.jpg

20140725-185332.jpg

20140725-185356.jpg

20140725-185435.jpg

20140725-185541.jpg

20140725-185626.jpg

20140725-185735.jpg

Fever ride….and cookies

So sleepy all the time now. Been awhile since I’ve been able to take a nap, but I bet I may not even need that chamomile tea. I told ya last night I was gonna try to sleep without it but at the last second I got scared and said to myself….self…..you don’t wanna toss and turn now, so you just go on in there and make that tea. And we did, me and my Self. It’s funny. I go to the beach and walk or sit with Jesus as I said….but so far, we don’t ever talk…just hangout. Last night though, I went to sleep before I even decided if we were gonna walk or sit!!! That’s fast. However, I was only asleep a few minutes before I had a coughing fit and had to take codeine cough syrup. We asked Doc if that stuff was still safe and she said not really unless it was bedtime and I needed sleep…otherwise…use another kind. Oh, btw, the Marinol I spoke of…it’s just for pain. It’s not a treatment in that form. It is straight THC in liquid form in a pill. She gave me one script years ago and after a few tries, I said no way. Too strong and no control, like if I’m smoking a joint, I can set that joint down if I get high. Nothing you can do once you’ve taken that pill. I guess that’s why I liken it to taking acid. With acid…it’s a tee tiny piece of paper that you place on your tongue. I clearly remember it hitting immediately and trying desperately to remove it from my tongue…..but it’s always too late. And that desperation is NOT a good way to enter a “trip”.

Fever not too bad tonight. Never reached 102 but close. That’s when I took the ibuprofen. Here’s the deal on that. If you have a bad liver….take motrin of ibuprofen. Those two harm the kidneys. My kidneys are ok as far as I know….which is why I can take em. Never ever take Tylenol with a bad liver. Uggg…..am I now doomed to only speak of health? How flippin booooorrrrring!!! What’s cool though, is people are telling me they’re noticing that I’m strong. I’ve always known that cuz I lived through the bad years of my leg pain. Nothing touches it. Childbirth and dry root tooth and a few other things are worse maybe but different. I dunno….I’ve just had a lot of pain in my day and this leg arm thing takes the cake man. So friggin intense and if I dealt and deal with that….I am truly a rock. God know this cuz he built me this way. He does tend to push this rock around though. A friend of mine and Summer’s, just messaged and said he’d seen my post about the recurring fevers so he researched it. He said it’s not good and the liver is failing, stop your stubbornness and take your mama to the hospital! I don’t believe that’s true though. The x-rays showed improvement. I do have orders for a cat scan though so I better get that over and done with. Still no cookies. Tomorrow hopefully.

OH!!! I finally told hubby the options 1-6. His response? Same as usual. Not a word. I’m sure he’ll ponder on it awhile. I’ve just said a half round on my mala rosarie beads and I’ve hung, with Jesse’s help, my favorite photo of Amma…with her hand on her heart. It gives me so much peace when I stare at that photo as I say my mantra. …and sick or not sick….I smile so in the doing. It touches me. I still feel like I’m still so far from knowing what I truly need to know…from finding the secret, the truth,….of myself. Some days it feels like it’s closer then I will have a crap attitude and know I know nothing. I recently read that we are all always in the Present……although the world through books, magazine articles, tv shows…..tells us we don’t. That we live in the past or the future but rarely in the present…here…buy my book and I’ll teach you how to be present. Well….this person was saying that if we were not usually present….there would be few people on the planet cuz if we were in the past or present while cooking, driving, cutting things, mechanic-ing, around large dangerous equipment….well, we’d be in constant accident mode. No….we do mostly stay in the present….but when work is done and we are safe and at home and just sitting and relaxing…then, in my mind, we tend to choose where our thoughts will go…forward or backward. Which road do you choose more often? Fear???? That would be the future. Or maybe your friend is shame or failure feelings…then you will mosey on back through your life, kicking yourself for everything under the sun….ahhh, good ole memory lane. Ya. That’s my take. Maybe it’s 50 50…or less. :=))) Okie dokie…it’s late and I never did go to sleep yet. Didn’t paint either though. I did work on a small piece at the Dr’s today though. Ok…night night. 2:56am = 4 = Angels!!!

I rock. Lost all my water, both in my sleep (sweating) and while doing said chore….but I got the girl goats wormed!!! Not alone mind you….heck no. Summer and Cathy both were there and they did all the catching and brought the goats to me once we realized I was getting dizzy squatting then quickly standing…it’s really hot here folks. So, it was a catch, grab and drag to Mama kind of thing. Then the dang syringes get so hard to push after just a couple goats, and finally Summer had to do the squeezing…oh wait…that wasn’t why….it was when we realized I had no gloves on and the toxins were seeping in me…oh crap! Like my liver needs that! Erbie was in the worst shape and after he got his, he laid down beside me and didn’t budge, no matter how big the goat throwing a fit to be brought to me was. Mama’s Erbie. I could never sell him. This worming was the first for all the babies except Flutterbug and Erbie had tape wormer once. Usually they got it from moms milk. Too old for that now. We had a few screamers….but everyone is sporting a purple mouth and it feels great. I sweated a lot so Summer brought me water. I now have a low grade fever of 97. It just doesn’t seem to want to regulate which tells me something is wrong. Am cold….quite cold. Catscan Tuesday morning. Still waiting to find out if I have to drink the yuk barium stuff. Back to the goats….as a reward…tonight we make those cookies! Yum. Hoping the fever doesn’t go high again tonight. Oh….PS…I am still writing that book I told ya about. Turning Dying into Living. I may change the title, who knows, but the point is, it’s still goin…..a little over 5,000 words so far, and more to be added tonight. Hoping tonight goes well and I get to work on the totem painting that has been half paid for. I don’t wanna ruin it by not feeling good or being depressed. Oh gosh…way over my word limit. Hehe…hubby wants to cook dinner for me and Summer. Should be interesting…. :=)) Ok folks….signing off with purple fingers at YeeHaw Ranch. PS…Oh and by all means….don’t forget to have a listen to Blogtalk by Namaste Farms.

20140724-195006.jpg

20140724-195039.jpg

20140724-195115.jpg

20140724-195148.jpg

20140724-195237.jpg

20140724-195300.jpg

20140724-195345.jpg

20140724-195415.jpg

20140724-195442.jpg

20140724-195507.jpg

20140724-195535.jpg

20140724-195603.jpg

20140724-195631.jpg