Oh well…..to Hospital I go

I’m not sure why I insist on living. We did everything last night to keep me alive…ha, except a hospital…no. The pain was excruciating. My body was at 104.7 for hours before I told my daughter how bad it was. I just lay here in my bed whining and praying aloud and chanting and speaking gibberish. Oh Lordie…when I told her. Wet cool cloths. On an on fire body…does NOT feel very good. At different times cold cloths were on my head, my belly, back, wrists, legs and even my feet. Wet socks. I gibberished some more. It was horrible, just horrible. The ac was on full blast, ceiling fan on, no covers and wet cloths. I was so cold, yet so hot. It seemed to go on forever. The goal was to get to 100 degrees. We never did get there. At 2:30am, we decided 101 was ok to stop at….that way if there was anything still in me that needed burned out, 101 was still good and hot. It was an exhausting night that I had no idea if I would survive. Just as the temp came down….up it went again. Over and over. Finally it was over. And when I woke…it was 98.2. I woke with the words…Bluedog, mama sweated!!! OH…and I remember my dream!!! It’s not very clear right now but I surely do remember the end. It’s some kind of community type thingy, I was in several places but in the end, I’m walking past a group of people…we are doing something together….and I recognize …..and I say….is that? And with a giggle I was whisked on to do what we set out to do. Brad Pitt was his name. He was working hard and his long hair was swinging in the breeze. It all seemed very real, very lifelike. It’s been forever since I’ve remembered dreams. Figured I would now I quit drinkin, but this is the first….at 14/15 days later. Pretty cool.
So, I wonder what it is that made me fight so hard, endure so much of what felt like torture….to stay alive? Considering my background it’s a good question. At one point, I remember saying to God….if it’s time to go…..I’ll go, but I think I’m not done yet. Am I done? I don’t think I’m done. I stared at this one photo of Amma and it gave me great comfort. I am still in awe that she chose to come to earth to do this. By giving me a mantra, she has agreed to be my guru, my teacher. I’ve taken to going on walks with Jesus when I lay down to sleep the past few nights. We don’t talk, strange, but we don’t. Sometimes we hold hands and walk down my pink sand beach and sometimes we don’t and sometimes we just sit and watch the waves. Today I brought in Neshie the elephant, my spirit guide and he went playing and splashing in the water…great fun. This imagination stuff is awesome!!! And oh so healing.
Well, this makes no sense, but upon calling the Dr.’s office to explain the fever and ask if x-ray was done at the office…was told no, but that place is closed and tomorrow too so you’d need to go to hospital. However, I am no longer in crisis. Thank you everybody and thank you SummerGirl. I didn’t eat yesterday and am not hungry yet, but I bet I should eat. I’ve never been the sickly type…just the invisible pain type, so this is quite hard for me. A new role. I don’t like new roles especially non fun ones. Ha, maybe that’s why Brad Pitt was in my dream! Oh, and it should be known that…..all of this pain…put together….is no match for what I have gone through on a daily by yearly basis in my arm and leg muscles. Now you see why I’m calling myself a very tough JOB? Job as in the bible. This is all illness related so will be an excerpt in the dying/living book. Oh….and Rick Simpson posted today about the scammer. Ha…they were only gonna charge me $300 some they charged $700 or $1200…and sent them nothing after receiving the money.
That is such a low energy thing to do. I bet this lady…and it was tracked back to a lady…nah, female…..I bet this female comes back as hmmm…..what’s the most lowlife life one could experience on this planet? Let’s see…….a fish in a drought….oooh, a fish everyone wants to eat, like tuna or salmon. Ya, salmon….that’s it. They have a very hard life trying to get to their birthing grounds, only to be caught right up and sold, cooked and eaten. One day, I will find this medicine. DO they not have it in the dispensaries???? It just makes no sense. I thought it was legal in Colorado for sure??????? So confusing. Well, this fever brought it home bigtime. I need both, as I’ve been saying. Both spiritual and physical grace. I think a few months stay in India will solve both. Staying at Amma’s ashram, and getting the India meds and treatment. It’s the cookie….and getting to eat it too. There….I’ve made my decision. If I can find the oil in the meantime….that would be awesome…I’ll try all avenues. Yuk…down the hatch goes the vitC water. And…..water. You know I hate water. Oh and crap. What did I do with this day???? It might have been the one day I was given. One day. What if that were true? I asked to be worthy of receiving another day. What did I do today that was worthy of receiving todays breath? I said thankyou to a whole pileload of wonderful people….I offered advice to someone who was offering me help…and I wrote this here stuff…which is for the book…which is to help people. BUT……something else did happen this day. This one day. My daughter explained that I needn’t be afraid to die, thinking I’m not entirely enlightened enough…….that Amma has my back and that’s why she came. That she is so expansive that her arms can hug my whole farm and all the animals and all the people. That…gave me solace. Also, we read a lot of Amma’s words. A man died while saying his mantra…….he has ascended for sure. See, I don’t wanna come back. But Summer also assured me that all the good I’ve done….will roll with me should I have to continue here again. Ok…here’s the possible bad news. My temp is rising again. Shit. 100.1 I just made a deal to go to the hospital if it goes to 101! Apparently a fever that goes up and down is pretty serious….so we are told by a Dr. friend of mine. Oh God I so hate hospitals. They leave you sitting helpless under too cold or too hot water that they insist you have to be clean….no matter how you feel. There are so many diseases and pathogens floating in the air there. Ok. Well, I love you guys. I’m sorry. I tried. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch and hope to return. Love to all. May you all be blessed with a wondrous life that gives you more joy than sorrow. Blessings.

bits…..

Its late and it’s been a horrible day. Too much for this one. It began simple enough, I called hubby to ask if he was coming for me. He said why…you need more food? Ya, I need more food. So I drove to town and met him. The first argument happened right away. The 2nd when I told him we needed to go to TSC for feed. He wanted to buy 4 bags. What the hell? 4 bags of feed for 50 goats? It escalated into a fight right there in TSC. 14 bags sweetfeed 12%……and 14 bags Austin dairy ration. Mixed together is the norm. In the end…he got 7 bags. The dirty looks came outta my eyes and I could feel them. Nasty. I kept telling him I didn’t feel good. Even told him just in case he should know I may pass out. Still…..I did the grocery buggy pushing, the puppy food put up (50lb), then he stopped back at his friends where my car was and he went inside….leaving me to drive home unattended and dizzy. I was so mad still about the feed issue that I could spit. I was like…that does it. I’m selling them all, not keeping a one! If I ever get in a place where I’m healed…then I can buy a few. I’m still furious and trying to figure out my next move and his attitude is…well…it sucks. It’s not nice. It’s all about money with him. No support, and seemingly…no caring either. I told him how much pain I’m in…nothing. He knows I’m on day 14 of no beer and no cigarettes…nada nothing said whatsoever in praise or good job….nothing…just him…continuing to smoke…in the house, in the truck as we drive…no matter. We are all baffled here. I mean, I’m used to being ignored, but he usually takes care of me. Oh and btw, to my knowledge….he has never read my blog. It was 2 years in May.
The pain issue…..well, God must think I’m the strongest JOB on the planet. First I get the muscle disease from childhood on….up until now, eh???? Then I also get the suicidal sadness for the first 38 years. Now….. when I’m told I’m dying….I get so much more heaped on. I get the neck pain, the fire in the back, the liver pain, the food discomfort, the sore body which feels like bruises are everywhere I touch….and a bit of itching too….it’s all fire/heat from the liver. I wonder why he would give me so much? It feels unfair, much as Job would have and did feel. I love HIM/HER anyway.
I’m noticing that I’m extremely raw….emotionally. Everything is deep and meaningful to me and brings me to tears. It’s very hard to be on FB lately….with all the heartrending happiness we see so much of. It doesn’t usually get to me like this…sure, a bit…some…but this is constant. Constant…..Oh God that is too great for me to bear. Then there’s also the depression aspect. I know I know…I’m only thinking of myself. Other people have issues too. Like Summer who has been locked out of the tiny trailer she stays in. She’s quite upset. I guess I’m having a hard time with compassion lately when it comes to family. Strangers…yup….got it. Family…no. Mostly cuz I don’t feel much myself…ya, greedy I know. Compassion shouldn’t be based on whether or not I receive it…it should be freely given. I try. I have alot of anger now and alot of sadness and alot of pain. And fever too today. Going to have a few tests done Monday to see if the mold did any damage. Oh….Summer and I got in a fairly big argument tonight and then we did Decree calls like the Violet Flame and Archangel Michael….to clear us. Then George called….and next thing I know….Summer tosses me some fiber and I start a small painting. Hey, it’s a beginning. Baby steps. Ok….night night y’all. 1:25am = 8 = infinity.
It feels like my life has come to the point of….its all about money. I never told you about the cookies at Anahata. There were some in a baggie on the counter and Summer insisted that meant we could eat some. We did. Oh my goodness, the healthiest looking cookies ever and oh so scrumptious to boot. I felt guilty for eating 2….but was so starving for good taste in my mouth. Come morning, there was now a sign on the baggie….Please EAT. Oh Lordie, they knew!!!! Apparently they were extras! I then asked everyone who walked through the doors…did you make the cookies? No. Did you make the cookies? No. The other day, Summer got an email…..I made the cookies! Yay! So now as of today…..we have the recipe. And also now….I gotta get up the nerve to walk into the living room and ask my hubby for money to go to Whole Foods in Austin, where all the non GMO and organic foods are. He’s already said he’s not gonna support that….but if he doesn’t support that he isn’t supporting me LIVING. What a conundrum. I ache with the uselessness of it all. And in the meantime…nothing happens except for the few herbal meds I have. (milk thistle, dandelion, artichoke), olive leaf, turmeric and vit C. They did help me get past, along with a gazillion prayers, past the mold incident….but they will NOT CURE ME. Like I said, I’ve got a list in order of what I want that goes to about 6. 6 being iboga…..really scares me now for some reason. I wish there was just one choice, then I’d have chosen it by now and would be started on it already and healing already. All seem out of reach….except the VIt C, but I’d rather not unless forced. IN the meantime….my virus is just chugging along on the train tracks. I did once ask God to show me what death is like…..and He showed me getting hit by a runaway crashing train.
So, apparently I’m not done with the fever. It is the come and go type. As I fed the girls, it was all I could do to stand up. I couldn’t do the little boys, so Summer did. I’m so sad but they need to go…and in a hurry. I’m so cold I’m under all bed blankets….but my body is so hot…I just lay my cold parts next to the hot parts and its better. I’ve been sitting here spouting off nonsense for quite awhile. I was feelin so bad for my pain that I decided to pray for others who had it worse. Good griefy GOD…..its not balanced at ALL!!! I’m not happy about that. Ok…time to go, so signing off at YeeHaw Ranch.

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imaginary Love cookies….and Kathy Blue Q

Wow….how scary and how glad I am that I’m cautious. I was responding to a FB post by Rick Simpson…Rick Simpson Oil, RSO, Phoenix Tears,…..and I said I only had access to the coconut oil kind….didn’t think it would work. I was then Friend requested by Rick Simpson….who messaged me and for $300 I could get 60 grams and that’s all I would need to heal myself. Are you ready to buy your oil right now? I said….well, right now I’m trying to verify that you are really Rick Simpson. What???? What do you mean he says. About that time…I realize that the friend I just now added…… did not have the check mark by his name…in other words…not the VERIFIED real guy. He then tells me I’m an idiot and I will die now. Then he ducked out and no more conversation possible. Isn’t that sweet? Scammers. Either Scammers or Feds, not sure which. Pretty sad when someone is so sick they will die…and still get taken advantage of. So, here’s my question? Do I really gotta move??? It seems the safest of all the treatments possible. It is my choice after all the research I’ve done. I guess I just answered my own question. Hmmm, the goats. How odd that the one thing in the way of my survival…is something I love so much. I can’t expect Cathy to keep caring for them. It’s a big job…Jesse either, he has a life to live and he’s not in love with the goats. Very ironic.
I truly wasn’t gonna blog yesterday, thinking that I couldn’t…shouldn’t, drag y’all down into my muck. I was ashamed of feeling so horrible…when I still have so much. It’s very heavy on me like a mohair coat….and I happen to know how heavy a 4 lb mohair coat is. But you guys all said….its normal. Normal? Really? I have so much……yet I whine. My husband was all about the money last night. Telling me I’d spent $1600 on his credit card. Not possible. Sure, I did spend some….maybe 800 but not no 1600. I paid for the hotel both nights in DC with it and groceries, since he wasn’t having to buy groceries here for me….and a few bits of clothing, cheap all…..and then the last nights hotel…which was so friggin necessary I will scream it from the rooftops. IT WAS NECESSARY. He won’t sell any cows. He won’t sell the bulldozer which has never worked and just sits. I don’t see how to proceed. I will have access to the oil….if I move or move temporarily to a specific place/state. How to do that when no financial support is available from my significant other? And to make me feel bad for what I’ve already spent. Well, you can knock off $200 for beer and cigs for those 2 weeks……since I didn’t buy em! Wait a few more weeks and my debt will be paid…but not no 1600 worth. My other option is India….where I will have an ayrevedic doctor and the meds are cheap. But still…that’s another country…..like I said…the cannabis oil is the safest idea. I will need money….to do this. The art hasn’t sold in the gallery. It feels a bit hopeless right now.
I cannot stay awake anymore. I nap now…and even then, I am still falling asleep early. It’s another rainy day. Was hoping to shear today. NOT. Some places got 7 inches, not sure how much we got but it sure rained a ton and it’s still icky out. The goats are spread out across the whole L. Most simply laying there chewing cud in their tiny little family groups. Oh…I forgot to tell you……I will be working if I move, to pay my way. How soon can I get there? I hate leaving home. More change is in store for me. Can I just say….UGGGGGHHHHHH!!!! Yes. But can I also say…thankyou for whatever is put in front of me and thankyou for what is given to me to help me get through and do said thing in front of me. But let me say that one more time….UGGGGGHHHHHHH. The next best thing after those 2 things…is the intravenous Vitamin C….for a year. Where I have to go to a hospital type facility and have the stuff dripped into me….a couple times a week I believe. That’s why it’s 3rd on my list.
I’m watching Amma tv…well, the free stuff anyway….and it’s about culture around the world. We have no culture here. We are a sad big huge bunch of people who have lost all sense of who we are and where we come from. I see the high kick dancers, the people from what is most likely South America, dancing the dance of the condor. What is my inheritance? What is my dance? Maybe my dance, my gift…is to dance for others. Maybe I should quit seeking funds for myself and seek funds instead…to help the so downtrodden. But I don’t want to buy them a fish. I want to buy them a fishing pole. Maybe water filters or goats or chickens to help the families. Why are the children pouring into our borders? What do they need? How can I affect change? Cookies. Lol…yes, that word just flowed straight from my heart and onto the word processor. Thank you Mike….who said all I needed was love, a tiara and maybe a cookie!!! I dunno…maybe I’m nuts, but what if I made and sold healthy cookies? Cookies for fishing poles. Cookies for water. If I can help others, maybe I can gain the wisdom of LOVE I seek. Yes….cookies. The highest quality of chocolate, the best and healthiest flour, sugar, etc. It might not work…but it might. Cookies for Amma…..cuz we are all Amma’s children. She is the best mother and she sacrificed for us…like the best of mothers. Oh…and the orphanages!!! They need help! They need more mothers to love them. I just heard them say that at one of Amma’s orphanages, they wait and wait to see Amma…to feel love. I can give LOVE! I can go to India and give love! So can you. Maybe not forever…but what about for a bit? Maybe a cookie bit? Oh….and I just connected to the correct pronunciation of the Amma name that is my mantra. FINALLY! I feel much better. Maybe a bit silly too about the cookie idea but hey….who says I can’t??? Spirit just took me from depression…to helping others. AMEN. Ok ok…so it’s not realistic. I have a not so perfect kitchen. Well….it did get me out of my funk for the moment. I’ll figure something out.
I just watched Amma’s 50th birthday celebration, where people from 191 countries came to show support. They each brought water from their country and carried it in the procession of humanity…to the big pot that it was then put into, Amma’s being the last to be placed in…when she then blessed it. Very spiritual 4 day event. Tears well up while watching this. It’s on the Tv channel which I can’t buy, but I guess they wanted everyone to watch it, cuz it is so special. And Linda Evans…my childhood favorite movie star…bless her…was a part of it. Ok….need to nap now, at 4:43pm = 11 = Master number…4:44…hello Angels. Signing off with a bit more umpf from YeeHaw Ranch. OOOOPS….PS. I got a package in the mail. Something very very special, made just for me. 2 pendants. One made with my Ernie’s feathers photo…and the other of a guardian angel with a side braid. I am in awe. I highly encourage you to get some for yourselves. Made by my dear friend….Kathy Blue Quindoza. They will be your photos today and very perfect at that. Hehe…yes, perfect Kathy. Bless you immensely. My heart to yours….love.

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The worlds worst PITY PARTY…….

The bottom has dropped out of the elevator floor. There is a ride. It’s called the rotor, at Kennywood Park, near Pittsburgh, Pa…..I used to adore that ride. You step in, lean against the wall and it begins to spin. As it spins faster and faster, the floor drops out and the centrifugal force keeps you up against the wall and you don’t fall, even though it feels like you will any second. I’m on that ride now. I’m not sure why I’m blogging cuz there is nothing good to say. It seems pointless to blog. You all have a set of beliefs about me and right now…everyone is so proud of my accomplishments. I however…am not. I am feeling like I’ve lost my whole life. Nothing is the same. NOTHING. NOTHING. I hate it. I am so sour right now. Sour, like a Lemonhead from the 60’s. There isn’t even anyone to talk about it with. Cuz everyone has the same agenda. Get mama better. Regardless. I’m not sure if I wanna live ….regardless. I’ve not been honest with you. I’ve been very sad for some time now. All I do is cry. I cried everyday at Anahata…and I cried while I ate my dinner last night and hours before that. Special. Eh??? Something to blog about???? No.
I wasn’t even gonna bother….cuz what’s the point? What the heck are you gonna get outta my whining? Nada. You think of me as strong. In a way, maybe so. I did quit everything. But I’m not dealing with it well. Not well at all. I just wanna curl up and go right on into depression where I am so familiar, so right at home. I don’t wanna paint. I did! Right up until I walked in the door. I will, I will. I can hear Barb fretting from here. I just need to get wrapped around this new life. At the moment….I hate it all, with a very purple passion. Very purple. And top it off….there is now only one peacock egg under Bert. One was broken and all milky yellow inside…maybe that means they’re not fertile…who knows…but while she was squawkin….I threw out the icky one and Jesse discovered another inside the zenbuggy…along with a very very large snake. I yelled at the pups for nothing. The yukky yellow is all over the other egg but it is intact and she decided it was still good so she’s sitting again.
Jesse and I went to town. I got to say goodbye to Jack in the Box. Hmmm. Good riddance, she was right…my body can’t process it and it just sits there. Hours later, I still feel it. Then we went to buy a vape pen. All out of tobacco flavor, so I have peppermint. Useless until Monday when I can get a better flavor. Yup…it’s a big ole pity party and y’all are all invited. It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to….you would cry too if it happened to you. Ya…lyrics from the 50’s or so….still so accurate and relevant. I tried to whine to a guy today. He just moved to Italy. Everything is different there for him. Yup….change is everywhere and pervasive. It drips down the walls….every wall. Every wall in every country. And yes….other people have it worse than me. Indeedy they do. There’s Israel and Palestine throwing blood in the sky…….and wowie does each side have its sponsors and its supporters. By all means….lets defend such actions and call it patriotism to ones homeland. Screw that. And the elephants…well, they’ve harmed so many people…ya….so let’s just hunt them down for fun. And Malaysia….hmmm, lets all fly on Malaysian Airlines and see if we can either be blown up…or maybe we can just disappear and be held hostage for months on end. Ya…good stuff goin on folks. UgggggHHHH!. Just throw a coat over me and plunk me in the closet. I feel like there is no one to complain to. Complain? What do you have to complain about? You have a home and electricity, water, pillows…even though one just sprung a leak. Ya…I have leak springable pillows. One anyway. My chiropractic pillow. It has bitten the dust. Why not. Just more change. Sheri can take it….lets just heap on more and more. So…there you are. I went ahead and blogged against my better judgement….and you have now been privy to the worlds most ungrateful human…whining from on high. Sleepy too. I drank beer to sleep….how ironic that I quit the beer and now cannot stay awake. There is more to my sadness besides the changes….but nothing I can say out loud. Well….nothin, I got nothing else tonight. Thanks for joining me at my pity party. Hopefully the party will be over soon. Love love. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch.

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Mama’s HOME…….!

Well, we have left the beautiful rolling firefly hills of Virginia. The time came to a close with very tiny goodbyes and a hug or two….this the ending, after the hug of hugs. The hug of hugs has been shallow for me. It’s my own fault. I never give myself credit. I just had to ask. Just friggin had to ask. When will I ever learn? Here’s the deal. For some ungodly reason, I insisted on asking if I was saying my mantra correctly. I was NOT. Then, I didn’t connect to the new way. I was SO connected to the old way, that the new one was hollow and sparse. I then asked everyone I came in contact with…what should I do? The new one or the old one? Did you hear what I just said? I asked everyone I came in contact with. Why didn’t I ask ME? I am after all, the one who matters in this particular thing. But no…..I ask everyone under the sun. The answer is always the same. Whichever one you want to use. The one that feels the best. I can say the new way, just as well…..it just isn’t the same. Should anyone have asked ME, the answer would have been this…..Had you never returned to see Amma ever again….you would have used that mantra forever. It is yours forever. Besides…I clearly remember saying….shay yay? And the guy saying yes, you’ve got it. I wrote it down as shay yay. No, I’m not giving it away…not breaking the deal…not to tell anyone the mantra. Cuz in truth…the word is not shay yay. Only mine. And it is mine. I’m settling this once and for all right now.
We slept at Colleen’s house last night….waking her at 4am to let us in. She was a real sweetheart and her and her dog Newton were awesome. Got me the necessary hot water for my new beer tea(chamomile)…showed us to our sleep spots then off to bed she went after getting a good 5 hugs at least. :=))) We slept great and woke at 11am and were off again. It was the longest slowest travel day in history. So many stops. Then tonight, something happened. I’m not gonna tell you what happened, only that something did indeed happen. It was something awful. I am still reeling from it and don’t really know how to proceed. I don’t know where to go with this. I lost something. It’s not that I don’t wanna tell you what it was…I just can’t. And, I don’t wanna tease you by dangling something “juicy” then clamming up like an oyster. But it just happened and I am fresh….fresh in the pain of it. The horror. My daughter won’t tell you either. We are the only witnesses. We are…. The experiencers. We are…scarred. Strange…we are….so close to Marshall, Tx as I keep saying, we are. Marshall Texas…home of the football team and squad that died in an airplane crash right over their hometown….killing everyone but 2 or 3 who weren’t there for some reason or another. That was their chant….We are: Marshall. Very sad movie….very sad happening….just down the road. Ya. I’m here drinking my chamomile tea and trying to de-stress. Not sure it’s possible. And don’t try to pull it outta me. Ain’t happenin. Trauma. That’s all you get. And ye know what? I still haven’t smoked. And, there’s a beer in the cooler. The one beer that has been left all along…I brought it with us just in case…and it’s still in the cooler. I’m over here chatting about it by not chatting about it…so I’m really not dealing with it….or processing it….I’m avoiding it. If only a magic carpet would appear and whisk me home in the morning. Or a genie…to blink…and poof…I’m at home. That’s what I wish. Home with my babies…home with my Bluedog…home with my bed….my room…which may not even be welcoming. It will smell like smoke…nasty nasty smoke. Well….we are in a motel. A hundred dollar and so not worth it hotel. But compared to the others…its great…..and I needed something desperately. My 2nd cup of beertea is steeping. I should be crying. Nope…just steepin tea. Bracing for the flashbacks. Oh chamomile….how do I love thee….let me count the ways. 1 mississippi, 2 mississippi, 3 mississippi, 4 sleepassippi 5. Night night sweet folkies. 3:16am = 1 = beginnings.
Oh man. I said I was strong. I’m not so sure now. All it took was arriving home and it rushed back. I didn’t wanna paint. Don’t worry Barb. I feel so tricked by God. Are we having fun yet? No. I said I’d carry you along for the ride…well, this is an ugly dip. I feel ugly for even wanting either one. I have nothing to say. Goodnight. 1:43am =8 = infinity and 1:44am = 9 = endings.
I have dealt with the thing….I’m ignoring it. Done. Done forever. The house isn’t all that smoke stinky. It was when I walked in last night but I’ve adjusted to it. I also freaked last night thinking I’d lost my painting art thingy now that I can’t beer or inhale. But I woke up thinking of the art so many there is hope…art and tea. Yuk and tarnation but hells bells….it is what it is. 8 days no beer. 8 days no cigarettes. Food…lotsa food. If I weren’t so dang skinny I’d be worried. Thank you God for SkinnyPOP popcorn in a bag. No butter, just salt…and it goes in and in and in and in. Yay skinnypop. Grocery shopping today already…fridge empty of anything for me. The peacock Bert, is sitting on 2 eggs in the back of the broken down zenbuggy. She was just off it so I ran to see…yup, 2 speckled eggs. Good girl…high where the pups can’t get to! The goats all look fine. Rather hot here so they look a little bedraggled and sticker burrs in most goats curls, but healthy. The baby Flutterbug is wondering why she can’t have bottle anymore. And…Sochi is 6 months old now and needs to move!!! Need to hurry and shear the rest of the bigboys real quick…then start on babies….and start selling. Very strange doings that…people asking for a mom and a baby…or a white or…lol. Just strange for me. Guess the herd idea isn’t gonna go. Will ask the guy one last time since it was the 15th we were going by.
I feel weird here now. Just plain weird. Still my bed…just different. No smoking. No beer. Still not for sure what it’ll do to my art. Ok…well, Mama is home and all are safe and sound. Love my babies. Blue is eating again! He loves his Mama. Ok…signing off with a big huge smiling sigh of relief….at YeeHaw Ranch!!! Yay…fun….and needed….and over! Home! Later.

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shortchanging a Miracle….

I’m realizing that my laptop is just as worn out as I am. Funny tho, cuz it’s only around 2 yrs old. I realized that I have blogged so much that the letters are about worn off of the keys. Guess I don’t look to type much anymore cuz I didn’t know till I couldn’t find the T. Makes me giggle. Giggling is good right now. I’m editing myself a lot these days. Had a sweet conversation with a friend who did some violet flame calls for me. Very nice prayers. I don’t feel I have a ton to say tonight. Today tripped me out and scared the tar outta me. How could a person be that weak? That thin…..ya, I was in a dressing room. I guess we’re stayin till Sunday. Summer will go tomorrow evening and be back Saturday evening, and we leave Sunday. Wow…..I feel sleepy good. It might just work, this chamomile. It worked last night folks…I slept. I woke often, and too early, but…I slept. And now….I’m feeling like I could just fall out so………………..don’t wanna risk a second wind, eh? So…night night my friends. Yay……12:44am Hello Angels!!! = 11 = master number!!!!
I slept again. Yay. Not thrilled about the longer stay, but it is what it is. And yes, even though I said yesterday on the FB link that I guessed it wasn’t a miracle after all…well….wrong. Just the fact that I was up and walking in the town…was a miracle. Just cuz it was so painful and I couldn’t make it but a few feet before sitting down…doesn’t take away from the miracle. I was headed straight for pneumonia and I have no doubt. Yet, here I sit……so I stand corrected. Lol. I’m having my tea….this time with what I think is regular white sugar….BLEACHED, yuk…..but hey…been eating it all my life….but YUK!!! Yum……and perfect for a cigarette. Haha. I thought Amasa might come back with us if I wasn’t smoking anymore, so that’s why I went with the quitting idea. Previously I had said…no way. But she isn’t coming, and now if I start again Summer will be hurt cuz she too hated breathing it. I just keep losing. Course all of y’all think it’s a gain. Try being me for a second. Give up everything you love that has to do with food or addictions or drink. I remember feeling dirty by the smoke here in this house. Pretty crazy…been smoking since 11……that’s 41 years folks….and all of a sudden…its dirty? How on earth I’m not smoking is beyond me. I mean…what is my incentive? What is my reward? The only incentive is….that I’ve already made it 5 days. Don’t people usually have to have a really good reason….in order to get the strength to do so???? Someone on HIGH must want it and must be holding back the brunt of withdrawls. I was told last night….Thank you for going through these changes…FOR THE WORLD. I’ve said it a gazillion times…..if I learn it…the world learns it. Hundredth monkey. Same for you!!! Was cool to be acknowledged. And ya….quitting drinking and quitting smoking in the same day…..not a brilliant idea….but yes…..yes I did. Y’all didn’t know how strong I was, did ya?
Do y’all wanna know what one of my biggest flaws is? I HATE to think of hurting someones feelings. This causes me to do things I don’t wanna do….go places I don’t wanna go, say things I don’t wanna say. Always has. I’m just now beginning to see it and recognize it for what it is. It is ME….giving up my Power… I rarely keep my power. Now that I’m aware of this….I wonder how it will change me?(hopefully it will but not yet cuz I removed a huge paragraph.) I’m being whisked along on the high speed rail car of self exploration to simplicity. I.e., enlightenment. BTW…enlightenment, is not a road with a house number on it and you will know when you’ve arrived cuz the GPS will show you the big checkered flag to say…You’re HERE!!!! No….it’s daily. Enlightenment is daily and it accumulates and it even sometimes takes a step back…or at least I do. I’m not always of the right mind at that moment of understanding and I go back to where I was previously on the rung. (huge EDIT) In case I haven’t been clear…when I say Edit…it means I have decided I better not say some words out loud, therefore they are deleted. Uggh, I’m so ready to go…days ago. Summer left for Ashville, no turning back now. Here I will sit for 2 more days. Haven’t painted a stitch here. Can’t wait to get back home and work on that totem painting I was doing. It’s probably around half done or more. Well, that’s about it for today. There is only one painting in todays photos and its not hers….it’s Mine! An oldie, made of acrylic…that’s been hanging out here at Anahata. Nice to see it again. Signing off then….at the ring around the moon firefly haven.

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I don’t know if I’ll make it…to a cure :=(

Oh goodness. It felt good to speak my mind tonight here and I feel clear. Well, about that anyway. LOL…still not sure the best cheapest route to go though. I am so glad to be here and learning from these people….who know so much more than I about health and nutrition. Just beautiful souls. And speaking of beautiful souls, I guess it’s the internet issues but I just found a whole stack of comments I didn’t know about! Sorry!!! What a treat! And I had a few other treats tonight as well. The ice cream made from cashews…well, I didn’t much like it and it stuck like a lump. BUT, the popcorn was good in small doses. Everything is small doses. I think food with my old brain and were I to be filling my own plate, I’d do it just like always…..cept it’s not always. It’s now. The great big NOW. Ya…I’m pretty much in it. Nothing I can do to hide from it. But in my nows….some of the things are truly good. Like tonight, we had a really good chat with my new friend Cameron, who talked with me on the phone back in Texas, remember? Well, we are pretty connected and so is my daughter, to this family. Speaking of them….2 things. During the Amma trip, it was the most precious thing, I witnessed this many times and there was something so different in her voice….I would see my daughter interacting with little Unica, Uni, and she would say…….what is it little bunny…..with so much love it was a stunning sound to me. This was new….she used to say her dog Indigo was her only child…but I think she energetically shares this little one with her family, ye know? Did I make sense? Oh, I know….like the child has an extra parent. Ya. Touching. And onto no 2. Last night, said little bunny and her half sister Maya Sun, graced us with the cutest performances. Oh man…so cute. One was shyish, and the other was grand…and by that I mean dramatic……like crazy!!! What a hoot!
Ye know, I said I wasn’t ranting or raving. I am however, crying A LOT. These are tears of discomfort…not grief. I wanna sleep. I wanna be able to eat again. I want my life back. I wanna smoke a cigarette while drinking a beer while watching a kickass movie like the Hunger Games for example. Haven’t watched movies since Amma in Dallas. I wanna wake in the morning and drink my yummy earl grey tea, which I can do….it’s just not with sugar. Ya…the drops are ok…but they ain’t no SUGAR! So, even my precious tea, so cherished my whole life…..tainted. Everything is tainted. Summer and I sorta tiny argued in the grocery when I tried to put cookies in the cart. She reminded me I had pecan shortbread cookies already. Like a child, I did walk away mad. Then around the bend…I remembered…I’m 52. I’m an adult, and what do I care if I already had a bag of cookies…obviously I wanted another!!! So…I got em. They may be lousy too, but hey.
Well, it’s only nearly 11pm….the whole house is asleep. I’ve had 4 kinds of herbs put on me oilwise….and acupuncture…might be a bit much. And now I’m drinking chamomile. I’m still not very sleepy. Don’t feel comfortable taking the extra strong ones I’m supposed to take just before I lay down. I don’t like mixing all these herbs. To me, an herb is a medicine and not all medicines go together. See…I’m quite capable of recognizing when something isn’t right for me. Btw…chamomile tea….knew of it mostly my whole life….a sleepy tea. Hmmm and gee. Somehow I thought that meant it tasted good. I thought women drank it at tea parties in England once upon a time. YUK! See….what I was saying…tainted. Once upon a time….ya, 2 weeks ago, I drank beer, which I liked, all evening…now I drink bad tasting stuff night and day. Ya…whining and explaining. Oh…and I eat bad tasting stuff too, night and day. I was given no warning, no anything to prepare me for this. On the other hand…some people die instantly in an accident or such. I think they have it wayyyyyyy better. There is only one tiny thing the same in my life….and I’ll keep it. I may vent about this again folks…cuz that cuppa tea…..man, don’t know if I can handle that. Not supposed to eat white sugar. What could 3 tiny spoons every day hurt??? And UGGGGH>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>edit. Sprkln63fwilsn9i’axx75kgkgji@!!!! Night night y’all. 11:00pm = 11 = master number. Well master number…..help me get to sleep and help me to get back to sleep each time I wake, please and thankyou. Not an easy feat when I’m so pissed and un something’d right now. Night.
Not much happenin today. Headed into town a bit later to discuss herbs with an expert. I also have a craving to buy something. I get that way when I’m down. I’m thinking clothing. Maybe a thrift store. They do have a cool store here, the Funky Monkey. Oh ya. That reminds me, I should tell you about where I am. Floyd, Virginia. Where Edgar Cayce said was a safe place to live for the coming catastrophes. So, what you have here is…an enlightened town. Or maybe not…that’s so hard to do….but at least conscious. Ya… a very conscious town. Not a fast food place anywhere. Nothing but healthy, active, metaphysical, herbs kinda thing. People walk a lot here. It is becoming more and more rain forest tropical every day. There is one drawback however. You can call it coincidence or you can be like me, who tends to think darker……but there is a lot of sickness here. Nearly the whole town has Lyme’s. My guess is very purposeful chemtrails. Ooooh, speaking of conspiracy theories….I’ve been seein some sayin that the UN is here in the US, come to “save us” ya right, from the disease that is about to run rampant due to overabundance of illegal immigrants from Africa and a few other places….with illness unchecked. Dunno if its true…
Well, not good. We did go to town, got milk thistle and rescue remedy and olive leaf extract antiviral….yuk yuk and HOLY yuk!!!! Then we went to the little cute clothing store. I found myself a couple tops and a rainbow skirt for layering…which I thought was 12 dollars. It wasn’t, but I wanted it. I got it on a certain credit card, and while I would be happy about that…that is after all, the reason…cuz I was a bit depressed….well….the outing was the tell all of doom. I am no longer a functioning human. This is very scary. I cannot do….any more. The pain and the energy loss, was more than I could take. I can only walk like 50 ft, then I have to rest. And the pain comes. I’m no good now. Useless. I’m just devastated by this knowledge. 2 of the meds are to actually fix the liver. The milk thistle with dandelion is to regenerate liver cells. The holy YUK, is to kill the virus. So, I am finally on meds to reverse it. Only it may be too late. I don’t know if I can come back from this. I’ve lost so much weight, my panties won’t stay on. I look like an Ethiopian child. I guess the mold musta kicked the liver virus into high gear. I’m scared….but no, I’m still not going to the ER. And Colleen…..if you’re serious about that threat to take me…I won’t come honey. We may leave earlier than intended, which means Summer won’t get to go to the ceremony she wanted but I dunno. Ok, guess I better go, but before I do….I got the go ahead to eat some white sugar and to eat cheese if wanted cuz I’m wasting away and the herb lady saw it. Also, we found raw cane sugar that’s close to white sugar. Hope it works….but if it doesn’t…I at least now get to have my morning precious tea!!! Yay! Later peoples. I know…..it’s sad but hopefully something can be done quickly…Cannabis RSO or Phoenix Tears oil? Signing off in the firefly hills. Ps….I’m not giving up. Pss….still glad I came!!!

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