God….the comedian

Yesterday I saw a truck pulling a cattle trailer. Not an unusual sight, living deep in the country. This time though, I looked inside. Usually we just don’t bother. It’s such a common sight, nothing to look at really. But yesterday, I looked. I saw cows. I saw individual cows. I got a fear vibe from them. They literally LOOKED afraid. Scared. Terrified really. IN the next instant, I saw instead….humans. In the cattle trailer, being hauled to market. I’m not entirely sure why…..but my most hopeful guess is that it was to wake me to the torture of animals. Lately, I’m seeing the depravity of human behavior. It’s so visible now. The incidents of torture to animals seems to be increasing at a steady pace. It’s becoming so upsetting to me that I now even question having my goats. What right do I have to own them? Contain them. Force chemicals down their throats and keep them from their families. All to benefit me? If it weren’t for me, they wouldn’t have been bred, most of them anyway. I love them to the depths of me…but is that enough? I doubt it. What if…..what if….every animal….used to be a human and is now an animal. Ever think about that? Ever ponder it? I do. Often. After all, I am around a few animals every single day of my life. Night night. 12:34 GO!!! Am = 1 = Beginnings.

God is really funny. He amuses me. I wrote the above about a week ago and have been in deep depression so haven’t posted. If you’ve seen me on FB posting, sharing or LIKING…..it’s cuz it helps. It is distracting me from this sorrow that isn’t mine. This sorrow that is an unwanted guest. Maybe I should love her too??? Hello Sorrow……it’s gonna be ok. Really, you are sweet and salty and that’s an awesome combination, but please, go meet up with Joy….she’s been looking for you! Thanks ever so much!!! Sincerely, Sheri Lee. So…..now you know that I’ve been using FB as a distraction. Well, ya! Considering I didn’t invite Sorrow and she’s been taking up so much of my time….at Christmas of all things!!! And let me tell ya….the Goat Vet Corner has been doing a fine job of keeping me amused or irritated….you pick. What could have been a good idea is not. Incompetence….represented as VETS. I get it….the idea is sound…..but what I’ve witnessed is long waits between questions and answers, with all sorts of knowledgeable people wanting to answer but if they do, it will be deleted and possibly them too. THEN…..if they don’t like whats going on in a post…they just delete it. Hmmm, like over at Angora Goats. To me, it’s no better than it being a weekend and no vet is around. They just yanked a prolapse post cuz too much time went by and no vets responded. 20 vets? Ha! Where? Course, as we all know….the vets are next to useless when it comes to goats. I’m in a very irritated mood. My hemp medicine arrived today…been waiting for it!!! BUT….without coming to my door, or calling, or honking….they deemed me NOT HOME. FedEx, so its no post office situation. I’m screaming about them being idiots and hubby gets mad. Whats up with people who can’t contain their anger???? I have a reason to be angry. Whats his excuse??? You get angry….just cuz someone else is angry…oh great, special. Yes…my depression carries anger in its pockets.

So. Back to the animal issue. Right after I wrote about the KINDNESS of owning animals…..my Blue Dog cried all night. I told hubby next day in town, and said we’d need to put him down soon. A few moments later, we pull in to HEB grocery….to see a Mexican family selling Australian shepherd puppies. Blue is an Aussie. It was God. Really? For sure? Mmmmm, well, I told them….we’ll go inside and shop. If you’re still here when we get done, we’ll talk. They were. Her name is Doli. My Aunt Dolly just died. Doli means bluebird. Happiness. LOL….for moments, when she sees me….and runs to me…..she then kisses and bites my chin and her tail goes nutso!!! She loves me, but I gave her to hubby, go figure. So…..another animal…..forced to human ideals. OH wait….before leaving for town…..I saw a PETA post….saying nearly exactly what I said in paragraph one….except their solution is…..kill em all!!! Idiots. Sorry.

And….we are also now the proud, lol, sorta……owners of …..hmmmm, not owners…..caretakers of….a mustang. She, who is terrified of horses…..now has an actual mustang. Rounded up at yearling age and brought to Elgin, Tx and adopted out. Well, she, April, is now 7 and has decided to take top horse position now that an elderly horse is injured……insert caring folks to the rescue. Me. Us. She will live her days out on 90 acres of woods and pasture. Not ideal, but better than some get. Funny,….I used to always dream of having one too, as well as the lady….so one horse…2 dreams filled. Lol. May take a few days, but at last glance, they were all eating…within 20 ft of each other. So ya….I now have a puppy….puppy breath and all….and a wild mustang who has been halter broke. Broken. Like me. Lookin for some superglue. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch. OH….i have a mystery. A doe….technically a Pretty for those who have been around awhile. Normally very dense but curly fiber. Impossible to shear. Well…..one……must be eaten up by worms or something cuz her coat is just a felted mess, like an unhealthy goat has. Well…..no clue the why’s or wherefores, but she is getting ringlets. First time in like 5 years!!! Just one spot. Very odd mystery. Her name is Happy. Ok…later gaters. It’s Thursday, blogtalk at Namaste Farms….But, it’s breedbox night and if you didn’t buy a breedbox…rather boring, just sayin. No way to see what they are talking about. Uggh. Bummer, I so wanted to hear ordinary Blogtalk. OH well….only one more breedbox left anyway then she’s done with them. The end…and on to other things. Oh well. Oh….so you got it right….after my talking about owning animals….I now have 2 more. Thanks God….LOve ya. Ok…..Night night. Signing off.
Pss….got Petunia sheared and left 1/2 inch on her whole body. NO cape needed and no special blades….lol, just awesome skill!!!

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Whatever…

My husband…ever the angel, even if it doesn’t always seem like it. I always considered him an angel since he found me at a low point and gave me a hand up. Gave me a safe place, a safe space. A space to find myself, to discover myself and to forgive myself….and others. For over a decade, he has given me a cocoon. Every once in awhile, I peek out and I even put my hand out or my big toe, but my safe cocoon is always there to shield me, warm me. I’ve been out of the bog and into the world for about 7 years or so now and I thought I was done with the bog. Why on earth would I go back to the bog? Sure, I get a foot stuck in the mud every now and then….just like as a child of 11….literally stuck in a bog. My shoe however, never did escape that darkness. That can’t be connected!!! Can it? It was bird camp. Lol, what other 5th graders went to bird camp…not many. Here are the memories that stick out…..1st year….something about a dance. Stuck in bog. Found owl pellets and dissected them….wicked cool. Woke early…like 5-5am early to go bird hunting. Didn’t have fun with the kids….loved the birds. Prettiest girl? Vote? Dance. Mocked for going to…bird camp. 2nd year…..something about a dance. Hmmm. That just jumped right on in there didn’t it? I as speaking about the bog. The metaphorical bog. The ick. The mire. The eversadnessdont touchmedontleavemeiloveyouwhydidyouhurtmejustleavemealoneleavemealone NESS. Don’t you just love the ness? The ness…is the house….of everything. Everything lives in a ness. A cocoon must be in a ness then. Ahhh yes, my cocoonness. Takes me back to my fairy story writing days.

Well, as I was saying, before I so rudely interrupted myself……I’ve been sheltered, in a cocoon…..In my birth sack, since my Rebirth in 1999/2000. Growing, learning, seeking, finding, doing, showing, being, forgetting, remembering, discovering, passioning myself into a being. A unique being…..even more unique than my former self, because that one was unbidden. By me, anyway. I am blessed with my safe space from which to ponder and question my existence. Why am I here? Why are you here? They tell me I am you. You are me. My brain seeks to comprehend that still. They also tell me I am energy….you are energy. Energy living in a human body. If I’m energy, I should be able to go anywhere….do anything. Dive into the land…walk onto the cloud. Like in the book. Illusions….the adventures of a reluctant messiah.

Right at this point in time, it seems that I am to be an artist, and all that that entails. It’s quite a run and once again, I’m very impressed with the script writers. Oh gee. My Aunt Dolly just died. The last extended family member that I loved….knew….remember vividly…..but mostly, LOVED. My Aunt Dolly. My Grammy’s sister. She had many, but I was only close with Aunt Dolly. Good Lord, how I love that woman. You wouldn’t know it by my actions though. It’s been a year or close since I’ve talked to her and then years in between all the rest of the time. From the time I became an adult until now. I hear her voice in my head right now. Gosh I loved her voice. If I think of my childhood…..if it’s a good memory….she’s in it. We really should talk to people while they’re still alive. Life. Death. What a thing. Maybe it’s a thingy. Night night. Love you. 1:40am = 5 = change.

I asked for a photo of Aunt Dolly. I was sent a recent one. Where she was so old. Truth, yes….real, yes…..my Aunt Dolly? No. Not from my memory. She has always lived across the country from me so there’s only been one visit since childhood. How sad is that? Worse, is that there were no letters either. A few phone calls here and there….not enough….for a lady of my heart. How and why did I let that piece of my heart wander away? Thank GOD I still have her voice in my head.

Trying my new art out again today. We shall see. I’m enjoying doing it….that part I know. Jesse likes the latest ones some better I think. Opinionated little thing….lol, big thing. He’s about 6 ft!!! Ok…wasting precious moments…back to it. Took the day off at the gallery since there are rarely people there on Thursdays, only Fri and Sat…..time off to work quickly, trying to make things for less money….that might, just might sell. I was gifted the amount needed for the Hemp oil!!! Thankyou so much!!! I hesitate to mention names cuz some get all upset. I see you and I thank you so greatly!!! I tried the turkey meatloaf again. Better this time. Key is to put enough fresh herbs in to change the taste, lol. Basil to be specific. A bit of thyme too and the rest traditional meatloaf ingredients. I am not perfect about eating what I should….but….I now KNOW what to eat and not to eat. Quite an education…..and knowing…gives me the feeling of control, lol….and I make my choices based on my knowledge. And then….I eat my cookie. Yes….still making myself smile each night with a chocochip cookie. Haha….I really hate this, but I need Jesse’s opinion on this art. Damnit. Not sure it’s working like it did last night. Different subject….makes a difference. The art is such a sticky subject between us. Oh well.

It’s very cold…in the 30’s and this Mama hates cold. Jesse did all the feeding for me…both yesterday and today. Yay and thankyou! He’s going to his friends for the weekend so it’ll be just me. Grateful for the days off. The one baby goat is still being strange. Standing in the corner and not eating grain, but to me that’s not the weird part, just the standing in the corner part is. She’s a twin. Other twin eats grain. This has been from day1. No grain. Could it be that she’s fine…..just cold and hates grain???? I dunno. No answer on the 2 coughing girls yet either. AND…because I took the day off….I have no photos! Sorry. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch.
Ps…Namaste Farms Blogtalk tonight. 9/8central. Ps…the As many hats as I can make in a month thing? Also fell thru.

how we BECOME…..unworthy…

Someone asked me today how I was doing. I answered….I’m in the middle. No clue if anyone would know what that meant, but it is the set of words that my body wished to use. In the middle. Not too bad, not too good…just center square….or circle would be best, eh? I don’t wanna talk about my art right now. As an artist….I’m in silent mode. Tiny things may squeeze out but it is my intention to keep myself to myself until I’m ready to show who I am becoming. It’s as if this particular caterpillar to butterfly segment of my life needs it’s space. If I am to come out of the cocoon properly….I need that time….in the cocoon. I think it’s like birth…being in the sack, all safe and warm for …well, I’m sure it seemed like forever….but 9 months. Then we are born and the mother cares for us. Then the world cares for us. And in the latter stage…we learn to care for ourselves….finally. We are our own infants. I am my own baby. Sometimes its not so easy to do this because during the….world takes care of us phase…….sometimes,…..the world didn’t. Sometimes……we were let down, we were abused and some were even tortured. We are shown that we are UNworthy. Sometimes daily.

How…you may wonder, are we supposed to learn the next phase then…to love and care for ourselves? The answer to that is…each other. We need each other. Even if we can’t see or hear or touch each other…if we know we are all there?…….we can connect. I’ve heard about Remote Viewing for years….and it still comes up in topic and was on FB just yesterday…again. Not sure if we need to go that extreme though. I think it’s as simple as making intentions. I’m learning that just as in all life….the more we do it…the more at ease we are doing it….whatever IT is. But if we were to figure something out….to connect with each other in some way…..seems it would be a good thing, the way things are going. Just thinkin out loud. Thinkin out loud is one thing…it’s that inner thinking….the quiet silent thinking, that is dangerous. We tear ourselves to shreds. No abuser could be so cruel. But….I do believe it started somewhere. And then played…like a broken record….over and over and over. It starts with them…it ends with us. Literally. We will replay it….until we don’t. That simple. One day we will “get it”. Done. Movin on.

Back to that voice thing. Like say…..just play. Play with how many singing voices you have, or you can pull out of your ass. Pardonemoi. Cevousplait. Lol. Or art, or musician, or landscaper, or doctor….you get my point……whatever you do….try it in every way it walks or talks. Get to know it as thoroughly as possible. I am saying this with faith…and gut….and wisdom, but not exactly with firsthand knowhow. I’m just beginning. Another aspect of the many butterflies within me. If only I could remember these words during the dark days. The dark days of cocooning. Man….physician heal thyself. Right now…the only thing holding me back from screaming art onto canvas….is canvas. Right now….I could paint the world. And I am on track in life because the Tv is with me again, ya baby! When the thoughts in my mind match the words on the tv….it is synchronicity at its finest.

I tried to have a conversation with myself while my husband was in the truck….but it was too noisy. I was explaining that I find myself constantly thinking…..what would they think, what would they say. They…being social media. Facebook. The blog. You. Before, I was a hermit. If I had a thought….that was it….I had a thought. At best, I would chart it in a journal. Now, it seems I rely on the opinions of others to do everything in my life. Is my art good enough, is this person treating me kosher?, Look at me, I did this, I’m not feeling well, pray for me. Before the internet….I did none of this. I was just about to post on FB….to announce that I was writing a blog! I caught myself. Really Sheri? Do you really need to tell the world that you’re feeling well enough emotionally to write a blog? Haha. Ya. Hahaaa….and the universe laughs and swallows it up. Ok….well, night night sweet people. Mirrors all. 12:34(go!!!)am = 1 = Beginnings. Lol.

The cold has arrived here in Texas. Way early. I am bundled in layers and layers. It’s been a rough few days emotionally for me. The boy and I are at odds. He….while trying to help me…doesn’t like some of my new art and feels I should be doing another kind of art or that I should only charge a dollar for it. Ya, I’m messin. But….we have had 3 days of screaming fights…who can scream the loudest??? I dunno….we both win that one. At issue is whether or not some things are art….and if they are art…how much should they cost when sold. My point is this…..nonya. Noneya business whether it’s art OR how much it is priced at. His reasoning: He has to deal with me when I’m sad due to people not buying. My issue with that is….He is in the future….second guessing what hasn’t even happened yet…..and deciding what will or will not be liked. As we all know….art is in the eye of the one looking. They either like it or they don’t and occasionally a piece will grow on them. I personally have always had issue with abstract art….and my hubby does too. Never understood it, therefore I never understood why someone would pay money for it. I now have fresh eyes to see. Abstract art….is….meditation. Something to stare at….and see what I see. I have a new appreciation for my new friend David who has his own large gallery a few doors down from my tiny one. At first, Jesse’s reaction, although I knew it was contrary to my beliefs….did hamper my creativity…..but…..I rallied and in fact….maybe it makes me stronger. Tell me it’s not art….like Monk did….and I will SHOW you ART!

The goats are all ok. Two are coughing, and I’m trying to determine the cause. Liver flukes? Lung worm? How does one know? Both are this years babies. Also, one….same age…..has never ever eaten the grain. I thought nothing of it, figuring she just didn’t like it. What if it was a sign? Her tail was down yesterday and today she was standing in a corner. Gave her regular wormer. Dunno. Also, a few, were sheared only a few weeks ago…not long enough for much curlback. Like Moonbaby. My most precious goat on the property at the moment. As in…..he’s my Wywy baby. Didn’t wanna put a coat on him and risk him…..no tellin what those boys might do to him if I did. Seems to be holding his own. Such a sweetie….lol, who doesn’t like me much. Better that I guess than an over friendly stud buck. As for me….I’m holding my own too at the moment. In the middle. Missing you all. Love love. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch….brrrrr. PS……Thich Nhat Hahn is either dyin or making a turnaround…..pray for the sweet enlightened soul. PSS….any sponsors for my HEMP OIL meds? They raised the price to $200….damn….was $150 just a month ago! ONe more should do it. Thanks.

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DEPRESSION…..is Red

I’m not blogging as much cuz I’m in a seriously awful space. Once upon a time….y’all came here and got wisdom and fun and joy and occasionally some down time, in the mud. Well….my whole existence has now become the largest mud bog you’ve ever seen. Old brain is here. And I do mean OLD BRAIN. Yesterday I had a ten minute respite…..where I didn’t hear myself plotting my demise. Crazyness…..coming from a person who is doing everything in her power to live. Yet….my brain….my depressive brain has gotten a foothold in the door and is keeping the door propped open……and all the nasty, mean, rude, cruel thoughts just swim their way in the door. I mean, it’s wide open, why not? Remember when I told you life was going so fast? Not any more. Now we are on the slow boat to china and every second is hell. God….I remember this so well. The ten minute respite was due to painting a miniature…I got so sucked in….that my brain was silent. What a treat.

I’m very ashamed. Well, maybe not very….but some. I used to would have been. The part that isn’t, is the smart new me…..who knows. The rest of me though is mortified and just wishes I’d have never tried to heal myself and gone ahead and died….and that way…y’all would remember the smart me. The joyous me. The wise me. I’m so sorry. I guess just know that I was here….she was here….and go read all my old stuff. Oh say…anything Pre-illness…..6 months ago. 6 months. Wow. 6 months. 6 months ago, I was normal. Ya, right. Ok, normal for me. I hurt so bad now. You see, depression is soooooo deceptive. If I were an artist…I’d paint it. It would be a person, sitting in a pool of blood. No signs of where the blood is coming from, but it’s just oozing and oozing. I may even be past the point of no return. I’m not sure. All I know is……my daughter is getting hat and scarf orders….got a few made but will have to mad rush make some more…..thats money….$$$. Didn’t even dent the frown on my face. Also….discovered I have another art talent. I can paint in miniature. Still doesn’t dent the frown. Got 14 tiny works of art(1 in x 2 in)…..nope…still frowning. Usually with my head in both my hands. Tried to take a photo for you but needed one hand to take the selfie. So do you see???? It’s like there are 2 of us now inside this body. The new me and the old me. The new me is still hoping to find a way to close that door and put a lock on it.

I am however, realizing that I’m not alone. Not sure the degree…..but it’s becoming apparent that everyone…or nearly everyone…is depressed. Or gets down on themselves. Wouldn’t that be something if the entire world didn’t feel worthy????? What a wake up call that would be…if only there was a way to show it…..cuz if everyone knew that the person standing next to them felt unworthy as well…..we might just realize that maybe, just maybe….we are OK…just the way we are…warts and all, crooked nose and all….wide or narrow set eyes and all, fat and all, red splotches and all, plus or minus body limbs and all, head size and all, skin color and all, etc. I think one day my words might be useful. I’m going to go shear a goat now. All the babies are done. Oh crap. Nope. Rain. OH well.

It seems that needing the hats is a good thing. It distracted my icky brain awhile, while I took photos of what I had, and undid a shawl in the making….to use the yarn for hats instead. When I run to town, I’ll have to pick up a round loom set AGAIN. How many sets does a person gotta buy???? Dunno. Why don’t they just sell the adult one separately??? I either give em away or they break and it’s way faster than knit or crochet. I need fast. How fast can ,my little hands go? And do you see the irony? Why am I making my little hands go fast? To make more money. Why am I making more money? TO save my life. Why am I saving my life? Right now….I dunno. Wait 5 minutes…..I’m sure I’ll have an answer then…..from the joyful me…..if she pokes her head out. Nothing really got done today. No painting….no shearing. Ha…if it isn’t something I wanted or needed to do…it doesn’t count. Take photos…..unravel yarn….not on the to do list. I am in process of a 5 day med treatment for some of the goats. Also, we moved the rest of the baby boys over yesterday….since they didn’t get sold…..and I’m praying. Too scared to look. My Moonbaby is so dang tiny. Shouldn’t have moved him. But what to do with him? Hoping this 5 day med will cure him and he grows big and strong. In the meantime…it’s rut. Sweet tiny baby. Oh….and the dogs were kind enough to leave my Erbie alone for a long time. Now, he is strung across the yard. Bits of fluff….and shreds of blanket. No bones seen yet. Oh….I do have one odd but positive health note. The left arm that was hurting when I moved it? Is much better now since I did 10$ Tuesday at chiropractor! Go figure. Fixin to run out, give meds and feed, then go to town. Yuk. Town at dark….good thing God took away the night blindness, eh?

Decided not to post this….then, maybe I will….but after this…I believe I’ll just lay low for a bit. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch. Ps…whatever.

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Room for HOPE…..

I wanna know why we, as a society…force our children to trust when we all know that not everyone is trustworthy. Once upon a time, I would’ve been so vigorously defending all future childrens rights to the same glee that we, or I as children once knew….Easter, Halloween, Christmas. Not just holidays though. Oh no. Every Sunday, across the globe….parents send their children into the church. Into the daycares, bible studies, candle bearers….whatever the title…whatever the importance….we tell the children to trust the man or woman in authority. The pastor, the father, heck, I suppose even the nun…..All in a position of trust. But why? And why…after hearing story after horror story…do we still send these children into harm? Ok…back to the holiday. The biggie. Santa. Go sit on that strange mans lap. Or at home….during the holidays when the folks come to visit…or eat turkey. Give Uncle Henry a kiss. I think it’s all harmful. I think we should no longer force these children to kiss or hug any adult. Ever again! Force being the keyword here. If a child wishes to give a hug or a kiss, sure…but to expect it…demand it? Wrong, that’s where we have gone so wrong….so sour….so far away from the sweet. Just some food for thought….while we are sending our kids alone…..out into the night…to knock on strangers doors to ask for candy. Remember the old ruse? The one used to entice kids into the vehicles where they can be whisked away, raped and buried…candy. Would you like some candy little girl? Just a thought or two to ponder.

Going to town on the little miniature paintings. One minute I like them…then, next time I look at them….I see only flaws. But I then fix them…which either in fact fixes them….or it ruins them and I wipe it out and begin anew. Oh…but was I entertained while I did this!!! What you ask? Well….its Halloween….what better time to begin the Christmas movies, eh? This sucks. Ahhh, for the good ole days. Sometimes I sure do miss em….and sometimes I surely don’t. Oh….my daughter helped me out. It’s Halloween….originally a way to honor the dearly departed. Night night. 2:30am = 5 = change.

Been quite a few people in the gallery today. I’m grateful to be looking at this fine art sitting in front of me. What a treat. I’ve spent the day seeking finishing ways for the miniature stuff I started last night and people have been giving me ideas today. A lady in the next building said….have something for 10, 20, 50, 100….exactly what I did for the Kid n Ewe, had all price points…but Summer wanted this to be more like a gallery than a store. Ya, well…..the stores pay more bills than galleries do. All I know is …..i want a cookie. I smell food. Oh……was chatting with a friend and she said she’d noticed how my depression was escalating. She suggested my thyroid might be outta whack. WOW….well, my thyroid IS outta whack……and I don’t take meds cuz I figure I can deal…..but if its thyroid causing me to feel this way…..meds it IS!!!

Ok….well, First off….I need to be alive, so I need to be healed. THEN……I’m gonna get on this calendar thingy and write down and figure out when all these festival/market thingys are. Like next weekend is a car show. If I’d have known….I mighta ramped up the finding of a less expensive item to sell. I only have till Friday to get some in place. ON the other hand…life plays out the song….your song…my song. And my song didn’t include knowing….or preparing in time. Nope….my song included my son buying me a present for Christmas that was not exactly what he thought it was…but I never told him. In my song…..a whole year later….I discover the need for and the purpose of that gift. What a beautiful note! Today I am being grateful. I plan to incorporate this into my everyday all day. It is as good as a mantra. Think about it…it is endless. Today, I am grateful for…….a spinning wheel, this sweater, this gallery, the rocking chair, this laptop, my juice, this beautiful art, this tiny room, this beanbag chair, this basket of colorful curls, these boots, my friends, my friends suggesting things for me, breathing without an inhaler, quitting smoking, the sound of cars driving by, the cooler weather, my goats at the house…….do you see where I’m going? It could go on forever…forever grateful. This occurred to me as I was drifting off to sleep last night. So…..the trick is to remember to do it. AND…to remember to do it when things are bad….say, during an argument….or when being fired or beaten up on by a man, being bullied at school…..etc. And…….while being grateful….I’m also trying really hard…and learning to correct my thinking….to create what I do want instead of what I fear. My thoughts. Thoughts are worth more than gold or millions and millions. My thoughts….make the world go round.
I hear from my girl. She is working very hard, making money for us, and she’s cold and wet. My prayers for warmth scored her a pair of dry socks. Sell paintings….sell!!!!! She’s so strong, she barely even cares…..ya right…or she barely tells me how bad it is…one or the other. I love my kids. SO blessed to have had them…considering how many went to heaven instead of being born. Apparently the world needed these exact two humans on planet right now. I want more CBD oil. I’m about done with my 30 day protocol and supposed to do maintenance only now….but it seems to be working so well, that I want another months worth. Have to see if hubby can swing it. It’s $150. He’s paying the rent here, so I dunno. We’ll see. Ok….well, it’s about that time. Ready to go home. Have a good weekend people. Signing off at Noahs-Arts 920 Main St. Bastrop, Tx. …….aka www.noahs-arts.com
Also…..Click here to donate $5 or more…to Support MamaSheri…lol…ME! It’s me!

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Hallowed……what is?

3AM and I’m trying so hard to lay down but every two seconds I pop up and paint another stroke. I think I’ve finally gotten the crow painting the way I want it…ha….but I signed it an hour ago….lol. ya. Ha, then Jesse comes down, tells me what to change then goes back upstairs. I change it. Sit back, and ….hate it! Uggh, @#$$$%^$#@%&*%# as I cover a lot of what he told me to do…up…but,not all. Anyway, it speaks. Whether or not anyone but me understands what it’s saying….who knows. Haha…just popped up again! Ya. Anway….I did it. I painted on a fairly large canvas…largest for me anyway…30×40 and I don’t wanna throw it away. Musta done something right. Although…….I’m seein a few things I could fuss with. Oh ya…what I was tryin to say about the Jesse thing is that although what he asked me to do wasn’t right…it was right and necessary to end up being what I now deem right. :=)) Ok…gotta wind down. Tomorrow is Halloween and we’re supposed to close up early…oh wait…or not even come in…shoot. Can’t remember. Night night. So sleepy. Feeling a bit better mindwise. Not so unbearable. 3:30am = 6 = earth! Night Mama.

Goodness….apparently I am a …………………………..wow. Epiphany. Apparently I tell the world my…what? My thoughts. Hmmm. Should I? Dunno. In the meantime….apparently I am an extremely sensitive artist. I have to watch myself so carefully. My son comes in and looks. Oooh, I like the bird, but the owls face isn’t right. Oooh, I like the giraffes! Whatcha makin now? Ooooh, that’s great…better than that owl. WOW…..all the above were welcomed except the….better than that owl. That one phrase….nearly made me chunk the whole idea of this new artform…todays new artform. Ya…apparently I’m that bad. So….I had to be careful. Had to check myself, so that I didn’t put that on the poor innocent boy who is only trying to help his mama and trying to encourage his mama and trying to be honest with his mama. Does he want his words to be the thing that stops my art? NO. Is it fair to let that happen? NO. So, I have to catch myself, fix myself and continue on. Haha…had to continue on…it’s too much fun! I am painting tiny. Painting in miniature. I remember being so enamored with and in love with and jealous of….miniature art…in California, in a gallery/store. Ha….and I can now do it! WOW. Is that enough to fix my brain? No. Apparently when I got the news that I was dying….it switched something in my brain. Kinda like a train track. The track has been shifted back to the old track. It is a worn out, rickety and extremely dangerous track. Now…I need to flip the lever somehow….back to the new track…or even a newer track, that’s 100% love and light and a darn good track!

Lately I’ve been wondering about the blogging. Apparently blogging lost me my goat sale. On the other hand….I got to keep the goats. No money…..but I get to keep the goats. Need the goats to go. Love the goats. Anyway……if you wanna buy a goat from me….know that I tell the absolute truth. No sugar coat here. If I have lice…by god….I tell you I got lice here. Mites…yup. Cocci…..worms…well, thing is……all of these words….they are all everywhere…on every ranch. My goats came from excellent lines….complete with the bugs from each ranch. It’s not like they go to the barbershop and spa….and get a bath and get spic and span cleaned…just cuz they’re moving. Sheared and chemical’d out…..that’s about it. Every ranch has bugs….and worms. I’m just the one who talks about it. Oh well. Honesty may not get me much…..but it soothes me to know that I don’t lie. Why do you think I took an oath of honesty with myself….cuz I wanted at least one person in my life who wouldn’t lie to me. Ya….ME!

In the meantime…I’m on a precipice. Teetering.

Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch with a plate of wet paint by my knee and a stack of fiber…..well….in the fiber stack….to the right of the plate of wet paint. Happy Halloween. Hmmm…hallowed. Hallowed = sacred. Holy. Fascinating. What happened to the original thingy and who changed it to what it is now??? It surely ain’t sacred or holy. Later.

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the Butterflies…..flew away

I was at the fundraiser site getting a link for the blog when the photo of me caught my eye. What is that, I thought. On my wrist…what is that? Ohhhhhh. Oh wow. It happened so subtly, that I didn’t even notice. I didn’t even realize that I stopped drawing the butterfly on my wrist for the sad people. Maybe I notice it now because now I’m one of the sad people. No, I’m not cutting myself…but I am in a hole. Not even sure how long I’ve been in it now. It’s getting fuzzy. Was I down when I was up? Was my up just a down in disguise? Is there any hope for an artist with too many arts? Too many things to make? But none of them make money. I believe I’ve come to the realization that if I came to earth to have money…get money….be secure, with money….well, in that,….I have failed miserably. I’ll go ahead and take that loss. I bet I got a D-minus. But if I came to earth to be pulled like a gumby in all directions, like rubber…but…..oh, a rubber star! A rubber many many pointed star…Ooooh, like an octopus! Ok, so, if I came to be an octopus artist, well….wham damn fizzle….give the girl a prize!!! Tell her what she’s won!!! You win a scattered life with unfinished projects, a heap of self doubt and a courage to show your art that only activates if the red button is pushed. Where is the red button? Heck if I know.
Buttons. There are buttons that are pushed inside us all….words said to us, or by us, or images we see…..so many ways, but this button gets pushed and people slide down because of the button being pushed. Like an elevator going down. Sometimes the elevator goes all the way down. When it does, we tend to want out of the elevator because it is SO dark. We just want out. We can’t see, feel, hear, smell, taste…nothing. We may as well be dead…in the dark. And that’s just what happens. Many people decide to make that choice…to die…or….some make the choice to NOT die, but to let it be known that they are down on the basement level…..hoping someone will let them out, help them out…push the up button. Those people put a butterfly on their wrist. It is to keep them from harming themselves. Their way of dying while still living…or…dying while still living. Either way…their choice is to draw the butterfly instead of drawing on their body with a knife and blood is the paint. That’s what is no longer on my wrist! It wasn’t my butterfly though. It was for the butterfly cutters. I heard about them and wanted to support them so I drew a butterfly on my wrist each week…sometimes 3-4 butterflies….for around a year I did this. But one day….without even realizing…I stopped supporting them. I stopped drawing the butterflies. I wonder why. Maybe that’s when art entered my world, I’m not sure. Seeing that wrist…caught me by surprise. I’m sorry I stopped. I still support you all.

The red button. Seems someone pushed a button, not sure the color, but its sure a challenge. I literally told Cathy that I wasn’t ready to sell any of the goats….or at least not the ones being sold….but shoot, I stood in the pasture pointing at goat after goat, naming them and saying, see……I don’t wanna sell her. Over and over and over….knowing full well I was creating my reality with my emotion but I couldn’t stop myself. I was speaking the truth. I don’t want them to go. I may need them to go, but I don’t want them to go and I guess want wins. More emotion. I may need to take vitamins…..and I ‘may’ take them….but if I want a cookie…by George, I eat the cookie. I want to be mad, but shoot, I created my own reality. God has me in “learning mode”. Not always fun. I am also noticing that since my thoughts have turned negative and down…that Time is slowing. Fascinating. So fascinating that it spunked me up. Which was not an easy feat. It’s been a very odd day for someone like me. I wonder if this is the new me. Is this how I get to be now? Like I was in the old? Sad and slowed down time…all 3d and shit. God…what an eyeopener it was tonight when I realeyes’d that. I showed the crow to another person who had seen it earlier….and they, along with Summer, liked it better before. Great. I can take it negative or positive. Positive….I get to try again…just wipe it out and start again. I’ll take it. Or….I’d really rather keep it. And do a 2nd one. This one definitely speaks. Only difference between the two is….attempted perfection. Less freehand look, more precision. Less childlike, more adulthead. There’s more…just not goin there. Night night. Praying for clarity, gratefulness in the face of fear and apparently anger as well, and more love…unconditional…for me…and for all. 1:16am = infinity. Art.

Well, the monk strikes again…but this time….I stood up for myself and told him he was being hurtful. What’d he do this time? Well, I told you we had prints done of Owly Dreams. One canvas and one on high quality art paper. He saw them, was very pleased….then looks up at the original and says…..Hmmm, I like this better than the original. Hmmmm. Insult. He then comes back 30 minutes later and repeats it. Yes….definitely better than the original. I said……That is not helpful. It’s insulting and it hurts my feelings. He says….why? You can get more made cheaper this way? I said….then why bother doing the fiber at all? Why not switch back to acrylic and oil and be done with the fiber paintings. Yes. I think that would have made him happy. NOT happening monk! Well…sorta. I am doing acrylics again now, and that my friend is ALL thanks to you. When I express myself better with acrylic, you’ll see…..I AM….an Artist. And….when people start paying the money….start getting familiar with my fiber paintings, they will buy and then too…..you will see that I am an artist. BUT in the meantime…..I KNOW I’m an artist and I’ll just sit right here, doin what I do….in whatever medium I choose…and one day….one day people will know I was here. Not just here….but as a survivor of the brain. The brain that tells me I’m no good.

I found out there is a car show here next weekend. Same weekend as kid n ewe…also same weekend of the failed goat sale, so that frees up some time….but still….I called the guy remodeling my 55 Chevy and he said believe it or not, he was trying to be able to loadd it on a trailer to bring to the show…to silence some of his haters. Well…don’t know nothing about the haters, but I wanna see the truck and maybe it will get me some business into my tee tiny gallery. Ha…speaking of gallery…had a lady ask if I could put some of her lithographs in here. I said, well, there’s not much room….but she wants to bring them by tomorrow anyway. Haha….large, but we shall see…..guess that would make it a TRUE gallery. Ok….I’m done talkin for the day. It’s been a green apple kinda day. Oooooh….tonight is Namaste Farms BLOGtalk!!! Can’t wait!!! Natalie has been teaching….after a blogtalk idea was sprung and she appears to be very successfully sharing and teaching her hard earned knowledge….which is vast, in the fiber world. Join in if you can. Oh ya…..I made a penny sized painting of a hummingbird head today. lol. ya, I did. Ok…signing off at 920 Main St. Bastrop, Texas aka…. http://www.noahs-arts.com Also, if you’d like to support my healing journey……(healing from HepatitisC and stage 3 liver disease)…it’s working, so please continue to support the regimen and in January….support the jungle trip to finish the job. Don’t worry…when the time comes….I’ll give the link so You can see exactly where I need to go and why. In the meantime…….here is my FUNDRAISER…..click here to Donate.

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