….digging DEEP

This is gonna sound crazy, but…have I told you how much I enjoy my writing style? Every bit as much as I have lack of confidence with my ART…..I have full confidence in my WRITTEN WORD. Yes. How, or why it is thus, I have no idea. Well, I sorta do. I figure it’s because I so wanted to be an artist. It was my lifes dream….to be an artist. But I wasn’t an artist. I was a writer. I was a writer. But why was I a writer?????? I was an artist too. I remember this. MY perfect mud ball, that rolled under the fridge at age 4-5 and I never got it back, the mud baskets, babies, mushrooms and elves. The drawing of the lilac trees and the baby in the barred box, possibly a playpen or a prison. Or the fish tank. Or the little framed piece….on foil, paint on foil, of a dead log with a baby bear and an owl on it.

Oh the money…I figured out the money!!! Funsey!!! When did funsey money become not so fun for lil ole Sheri??? Age 5. I’m standing at the bus stop with my little paten leather mickey mouse change purse and my brown bag of cookies….wearing a little dress. Standing with a friend I think. Then these other boys come. I’m going to the zoo today and am so very excited. I have cookies! The boys take my purse and they take my cookies!!! No. I was alone. I can’t be clear on whether or not they hurt me physically, and I’ve tried….but my next memory is of an apology and a bag of new cookies from their mom. But there. There you have my first money experience. Robbed at the busstop on my way to the zoo. And here I am, eating a huge cookie every night, while fretting over money while I create animals….for Noahs-arts….as in a zoo. I’ve come full circle. In that case, please let my intellect remain, but please free that 5 year old from the bars and chains that have held her prisoner under the lilac tree forever. Hmmmm….Mama getting a lesson. Must be quickening time again. …..oh……….I just heard this on a movie….You are my loyal servant, my wise master and my closest friend. Yes. I like this.

Remember now, back while I wanted so desperately to be an artist, I was writing poetry. Then, it was journaling. I crocheted blankets, made Christmas ornaments of bread dough and herbs, then later, sculpted with clay, mosaics, leather(early on for leather), beads, stained glass, wood burning, acrylic paint, water paint, oil paint, sculpey clay, knit, felt, spin yarn, designed and created awesome coat, blogs, yes….more than one, and now this….felted wool art. I’m not mentioning any of the childhood family crafts and I’m sure I’m forgetting some. I am telling both you and myself…my story. Analyzing how I came to be in this frame of mind. Frame. Frame. Important word for me right now. I remember in the movie…Dance with me…..she is explaining one of the dances, the waltz or something and she says….”you hold her…as if she is the picture and you are the frame.” Both…are the art. Master be student. Student be Master.

I’m starting to figure out my husband. He’s an introvert and an engineer, both are pretty vivid…but the way he is with his family, finally…the pieces fell in place. Well, sorta. I saw it. He relates to them….when it’s time. With hubby, everything has its time. This explains to me why he’s reacting to my illness in this way.(ignoring it)…..it wasn’t time. Not only was it NOT his idea, but it was NOT part of his schedule. His life…to do list. So he pretends it isn’t happening and does not contribute. Well, not a lot. A bit, lately, thank GOD. He kinda sorta made me, not really, agree to a chiro appt on ten dollar Tuesday. That’s tomorrow. Ya gotta do this before noon. I have no desire to wake up early but I just couldn’t seem to get out of it. Turns out….he was so adamant about it cuz he found out that at this time…all money from ten dollar Tuesday would go toward the front desk girl battling breast cancer, for her medical funds. This is how I was finally able to put the strings in place, straightened them out and got yarn out of it finally. (lol, ya, a metaphor)…is that the right word? It’s late! But hey. I started this whole piece of work by talking about being a writer, not an artist. I wonder what was it exactly…what words could have been so harsh. What set of words could cause a lifetime of disharmony of self. A split. A severing of self. The good the bad. The artist the writer. Was it words? There are places and pictures in my mind very dark. Why would these darknesses be there? One is a parking garage and one is a basement. Under age 7, after age 4. Anyways…hope you enjoyed tonights trip into myself. Spirit is so interesting. Well…night night. 12:27am = 3 = HOLY Trinity.

Ok…a day or two has gotten away from me. Still messing with the broke down car in New Mexico. Were we supposed to go there after all??? Anyways…she’s at Barb’s house right now. It’s a very primitive living situation there so the handy guy is gonna take her to the store so she can get a blanket and a cookpot. I’m concerned about her health. As you know, she is sick with an undiagnosed something, and she requires very very specific foods for her body to function properly. This has been going on for days now and she was unprepared. My sweet girl. In deference to her situation….since the whole reason she is in this predicament in the first place is to help earn money for me…well, and her, to be healed…..I am eating as best as I can. I ate leaves for lunch and chicken soup now…soup for lunch…. All the foods she made me…and the greens….I’m eating the greens…for her. Hubby seems unwilling to let the car go to pot……since he just put over a grand in it due to Jesse wrecking it and not telling anyone. This issue is also due to that unfortunate night. We drove it to DC and it most likely had the crack in the head gasket then. It’s all rather unfortunate. Summer is finally starting to show signs of the wear and tear of the trip. She’s so happy go sweetly…and is still able to laugh, thank GOD. I have words I’d like to say about this situation but I best keep my mouth shut. I knew she was stressed today when she typed….I’m only doing this so we can go….you are still going, aren’t you? Yes baby…I do still want to live and I want you to live too…and not just live…but I want you to live without pain….I lived with pain my whole life and I do NOT want that for you. I finally broke out the paints…..and would you believe…I still have canvas boards? It’s been around 8-10 years!!! God….my daughter has NO winter clothing with her!!! Ya…I’m concerned. Not worried…me, no way. Bad energy that. Ok. Later then. Sorry so disjointed and who knows how much sense ethe whole dang blog makes and who cares, I’m posting it anyway….cuz I’m hungry. Ha. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch. Oh ya…it’s harder than I thought it would be…the acrylic painting. But it IS fun. Monk…what have you done to me? Sheri….what have you allowed monk to do? Night.

distractions….

Oh GOD…this has been a day. Hard, I’ll call this one Hard. Before leaving to go for groceries, I told hubby I was going to check on Erbie and I’d be back in a minute. I walked into the pasture, not spotting him right off. Actually, before bed, I had the notion that he was gone but I decided to go to sleep instead of going to check. So, I enter the pasture. I don’t see him right off so I walk into the herd….half are up and grazing, other half resting on the rocks. A thorough scan and………… I don’t see him. He’s gone. Of course he’s gone. He’s not here. So I pretended for a moment….and I walked around talking to the girls and taking photos. Ok. I trudge across the pasture, my eyes dreading what they might see. I’m suspecting to the left but the vision on my right stuns me. The dreaded heap…..is down by the pond….down by the water, with the dragonflies. He is oh so gone. No breaths. No body lifting in any way shape or form. Ants in his eyes and nose. My baby. Why didn’t I turn him into a bottle baby? I could have. I thought about it so many times, but his mommy loved him and took very good care of him. It was just….he was so small. He just didn’t grow. Then the broken leg incident that I didn’t know about. Then the tapeworm incident, then I went away for 3 weeks and when I returned, I treated him as if he had cocci. It worked. Maybe I didn’t do it enough times. I don’t think I did. I’ve never had it before, or if I did, I didn’t know. He seemed to be gaining his health. Finally. He was even a little boy and got to do little baby bucky things. He walked with a John Wayne swagger due to the broken leg and never ever complained about anything. All other baby boys have been removed except for Erbie. He was so small and so weak that nobody hurt him. In fact, lately I watched them go to hit him…realize who it was and stop themselves mid headbash. I think they knew.

So. There he is. I cried and cried and I oozed snot. I wailed and wailed. The goats came closer to observe but from a distance. It seems worse this time. Much worse. I just couldn’t bring myself to leave him. I just wanted to touch him. No idea how long this endured before hubby finally came. He never comes. I musta been gone awhile. Can’t even tell ya cuz I just was zoned out all day. I went to the house and cut a blanket for him, then went and picked him up. Fireants were everywhere and I carried him outta the L pasture. Hubby was there at the gate waiting with the tractor, bucket up to receive my package. I knew what he was doing. He knew, cuz I said it over and over….I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to do…so he placed the tractor bucket up into a tree. To give me time. We had to go to town for groceries…or so I thought. Turns out, he has the week off and I just figured it out about an hour ago, oh, 10pm sat night. Thanks for telling me. So we went to town and did the obligatory things then back to grieving. Although I didn’t really stop the whole time, but just didn’t always have tears running down. I cut as many curls as I could before I realized how cold his body was then I stopped and wrapped him back up. Once again, I picked up my ant strewn bundle and walked. I hope he is still where I placed him…come morning. In the meantime….Murphy Jose, the 30 something yr old mule who was given to us 10 years ago…dumped on us would be more like it…he was found out in the big pasture dead. I figure he went so they could cross the rainbow bridge together. Erbie was so special, he needed an escort. Then….Summer and the car. In New Mexico….the car breaks down. Jeezzzzzzze. I woke the other morning with the song jeopardy in my head when I was prayin for Summer’s trip and for our healing trip…..I told her I wasn’t sure which one it was for. She didn’t like my way of interpreting signs from Spirit. Didn’t wanna hear any negativity about the trip. Okie dokie. Well. Hmmm. Lotta jeopardy been goin on babygirl. This day is almost done. Come morning…and I do mean morning…I will be up and on the way to Houston, to have lunch with hubby’s mother. Houston. Hmmm. And Summer is still at that gas station. She’ll see a mechanic tomorrow and we’ll know more. Legions, legions of Angels. Thankyou. Have I told you that I hate driving or being a passenger in Houston? It’s not so bad if you drive the main roads instead of the BIG roads, but not hubby. Best get to drinkin my chamomile. Night night my friends. Hello Angels…12:44am = 11 = Master number.

Ok…remind me to never get old. I witnessed and experienced what I would deem…HELL today. Please no is all I can say. We arrived at the place where hubby’s mom has been living since her husband died 3 years ago. How has it been 3 years? That means that we haven’t, I haven’t talked to her in nearly all that time. So…her husband dies and they move her out of her home and into an assisted living place. Poor poor lady. Today, 3 yrs later….the elevator door opens and we nearly bump into her. She is looking for her 2 sons. One son has been awol for years and years and the other…just walked in the door. She informed us that they had her in a fake room. Everything looked right, but it wasn’t right and it wasn’t her room and wasn’t her stuff. Also, people were sneaking in her room and messing her bed covers and sleeping in her bed. Heartbreaking folks. I don’t wanna die yet…still feel I have wisdom to pass on, but YIKEs….I don’t want that!!! I feel just awful for her. Must be so scary. They lie to her. If she asks about her husband…oh, he’s out parking the car. And you wonder why she’s confused. Just awful. Then…….when we were nearly home, the nice mechanic was finally done with the car and it was a sensor. For the fan, near the radiator. So…not an expensive fix AND the guy was TRULY miracle nice and charged way less than he should have, so I’m thinkin she is back on the road…but I haven’t heard her say that. Good travels my dear. The goats are all back to normal here and my pups, god love em…didn’t mess with the baby’s body. Good pups. Ok…..as you can see, I’ve been sufficiently distracted from the leaving of my daughter and life continues. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch.

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and the Artist said…..Who…Me?

Haha…the phrase got changed up a bit…(previously it has been…..I’ve NEVER seen anything like this before!!!) as she’s walkin out the door, a lady says….Saw something new today! And she was wearing a smile. I like that. Let go and let God. Give up the steering wheel. I’m workin on it folks. I’m workin on it. But ye know….I think I am having an art midlife crisis. First in a series…showed a friend…she didn’t really get it. So I showed it to hubby, who also didn’t get it. Not only that, but he misidentified one of the objects. Well, hmmm. I think I’ll paint…..haha…..whatever I feel like painting. Each piece of art is in the eye of the beholder, as was expressed repeatedly to me during the 1st monk fiasco. If it pleases me…and it says something….I’ll keep on it. ON the otherhand….maybe I should stick with what I’m best at. Animals. And the kid did name it Noah’s Arts didn’t she. Yup. I’ve told ya why haven’t I? Cuz of when we were looking for property to buy….the cardinals were with us on the search. Male cardinals, for me, represent Jesus. When we pulled in at this piece of property, they swarmed along with us…breezing with the truck as we drove down the lumpy bumpy sorta road. When we got to the gate, I heard the whisper….”it’s Noah’s Ark”. The day we signed the paperwork for it, we went there to claim it, lol…or to SEE it. Our place. Ya right…stolen from Indians once upon a time that was NO fairytale indeed. But….while we are here….and at that moment in time….we walked a portion of the land and in so doing, came upon a horse who had just given birth. Another horse was with her for support. They allowed us to stop by and visit. A beautiful and auspicious beginning to our life here.

Speaking of the Ark…..the daughter has just left the ark. Off for a month or so to find seasonal work and deliver her own version of ARK… act of random kindness. She took my first set of prayer flags with her. Y’all never saw them. I did post about 15 photos of some of them last night but only for a moment then I yanked them down again. Of course. They are too personal to just lay around. Too sacred. Those flags hung across my room inspiring us for months now….and so Summer has hung an old set of hers in their place….cuz these are about to go to their new home in the jungle. They were destined to the jungle right after I made them. I also sent one individual…to another place in the jungle. It….has a key on it. Keys and I are connected.

My son has an opportunity to go to work and make good money. He’s saying he needs to stay and help me. I can’t let him do that. These kids need to do their own lives…not worry about mine. Bless his lil soul. Gosh I love that boy. I’ve got amazing children, don’t I??? Haha…I didn’t get to raise either one of em!!! Jesse is right now saying he’s staying. I’m trying to tell him he can go. I’m conflicted. Yes, there is a lot of work here and yes, I am behind on shearing. But life will move forward either way. I’m torn too. I wanna be the good mother and let them live their lives…while…..I also want the ease. Life is too precious for ease. Go for it boy!!!

Well…..an artist was in here today. In fact, she was Brought here today…to see my art. Her work is in a gallery in Roundrock, Tx…..Nelda Sheets. She does squares. LOL….said her gallery will only take contemporary, thus the squares. Really cool. She loved my ART. Another lady came in and said the reason she had stopped to look was the vivid color and the textural aspect. Ya…it’s art. Oh gosh. This artist is about to gather her things, load them into the blazer, head home and feed the goats. All of them…by myself. Aside from the occasional day…it’s been almost 4 years since I’ve done that. Usually I only do the girls. My life has just changed again and it’ll change again soon I’m sure. Seems to be the norm for me…change. I can feel the sadness creeps creeping in as I type. I think they really hit when the girl called to say she was pulling out from the gas station…which way to Interstate 40? That, must be her dads genes. I told her the other day that the news wasn’t good out of California…lots of high radiation…but she said now Mama, you know I’ve got the violet flames. Well sure baby, but take the Zeolite with you!!! She took some and left me the rest. She also gave me a homemade heart…someone had given her which had morganite in it…which Spirit had mentioned to me was good for radiation….but no, she’s giving it to me. It also had other good stuff inside…I think it’s a resin heart with the goodies inside. Also….as for that E word…..it just so happens that the NM meds that I am now on, just not via IV…are also what one would take if there were say….an ebola outbreak. Alpha Lipoic Acid and Selinium. Also….high dose Vit C. All in my little fiber/med/gallery/juice/water carrier basket. I look like lil red riding hood carrying a basket of goodies…..just without the red. Ahhh well….guess it’s time to go home to the empty house. Jesse isn’t there either. Who knows if he’ll go or stay. Ok….not exactly the Whinery as of yet…..but signing off anyways at 920 Main St. Bastrop, Tx aka http://www.noahs-arts.com
Ps…It has hit. The typical disgust. Typical unreasonable sadness and unbelief. I carried home a few completed paintings…and when I walked in the empty room….i see….piles of finished paintings. :=(( Ya…looks like I will be one of those artists who is dead and didn’t know their art discovered fame. The whinery is here. Officially.

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he stepped in it AGAIN!!!

So far so good. We made it through the night without crying or fighting. A lot of togetherness will do that ye know. I had a realization during blogtalk when Kimberly was discussing money and that we each had a relationship with money…what was ours? I thought about it and mostly I was a waitress….which is rather like a slave or scullery maid….or at least leaning in that direction. But the last portion of my life was as a stripper. Money… was folded dollar bills, placed in my g-string. I had an aha epiphany thing. I need a new relationship with….hmmm….i need a new name for it. Tonight I was thinking of a ceremony….do I need one…let’s see. A name. I got it. Fundsy. Yay!!! It’s got the word fun in it! Ah what the heck…remove the D…the damn D. Funsy. Ok….so, Hello Funsy! Lets do some shrooms and chat awhile. Lol…haha, no. Really, Lets chat. And no really again…I wanna do some shrooms. Remember I had just done that experiment with them when I found out I was sick? Ok…its late. Night night folks. Chamomile taken so I should sleep. 2:47am = 4 = Angels!!!! Angels watch over my baby as she travels.

I been thinkin…observing. It looks like I got off the roller coaster somehow and now I seem to be in the ocean…as part of a wave. Either way, it’s still one helluva ride…..with heavenly undertones and hella good curves! Been thinkin about that money theory all night. My mind singled out the words I had used last night when I asked for donations. There was no new update yet, no new video to be posted, so I just did a simple request, along with my paypal address. But what my mind wanted me to see was that in the request, I had said that I’d worked really hard and basically…you could give me money cuz I worked so hard. So….thats how I feel? If I work hard I get to live? Interesting. If I hadn’t worked hard, I wouldn’t deserve to live? I’ve decided that funsey needs to smell a rose or pet a goat or something. I’ve got him in my pocket….ready to play and meet new friends and have them over for awhile. Haha…my simple request was met with silence….and that’s ok. Funsey and I are just now getting to know each other. Besides…..I’m thinkin I can do more. Maybe people don’t wanna just give money without getting anything. That’s no fun. I’m gonna think on this. Last night during blogtalk…Natalie said that its easy for people to purchase her little 35 dollar scrapboxes but it’s not so easy to buy my paintings which have a hefty price tag due to the amount of time….but that I should remain true to myself…and my time….and wait, or find the right market. Haven’t found the right market yet. Market…where are you? Maybe you are on the road. Maybe I should just go on the road. Ya right…I have goats. Goats that I won’t be able to breed this year…no babies. How sad is that? For me…very. But if I’m gonna be gone a few months come February, then I can’t be breeding for March babies….who would tend them? Birth them? No…safer this way. And one way or another, I will be going away. I will be getting a cure…or else…why bother??? Why bother indeed? Why not go back to the beer every night….and the cigarettes. Oh ya baby…..and the fried food. Ye know…..I gave it all up….meat, fried foods, prepared foods, my foods, my brands, my condiments, my potatoes……..and my kid….love ya girl…only notices that I still eat too much sugar. Course, it’s not her that I need to impress…it’s my liver.

Poor Monk…he stepped in it again. He basically said I was too old to save….save the young instead. Ya…it hurt. Then I got a grip. He is just not in this world. He is correct about one thing. When you are enlightened…or when you Think you are enlightened…it is now very different living in the world…..you no longer need thought, food, sleep, people. Once that happens….you’re pretty well screwed on planet, cuz the rest of us do need those things and are those things, therefore if you no longer need people…you no longer know how to BE with people. I assured him I still had things to say. Of course, he being enlightened….dismissed that. :=))))) hehe. Love it.

I’ve started a new painting. It’s a series. I had the lightbulb moment just before sleep last night. Already had the painting…well, one. Now there will be more. Gotta give monk some credit…his crude words have spurred me to be a REAL artist. I know I know…sorta kidding. But I’ll give it a go. Summer really is leaving come morning. Just had the oil changed and good to go. Ahhhh….we will make it. I will make it. How did I come to rely on her so much so fast? I always thought it interesting that we diapered them and taught them….and in the end…they diaper us and teach us…lol, I’m your daughter mama…hehe. Not there yet and hope to avoid that one completely….eh? Ok…signing off at YeeHaw Ranch. I know I’m forgetting something. Still searching for a charka to be donated or a kick spindle….also….if you feel so called…my paypal is sherilee@wildblue.net Love ya!!!

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welcome to the Whinery…..

If I keep blogging in this phase of my life…these next few days that is, you will see the true essence of fear. Unethical, undeserved, unnecessary, unjustified unrealistic…fears. That’s a whole bunch of un. Un means…non. Non fears. Ha. Well, tell that to some of the voices in my head. Overwhelmed is how I feel. In the present, there is no such thing as overwhelmed. Just a guess though. But really…can there be? Because each moment is followed by a new moment. But unless we are monks…living in the monastery where nothing affects us…life is …OUT THERE…how does one do this? Stay in the present moment? I can do it…for moments out of time. That doesn’t seem enough. Moments of being in the moment. Tiny whippets. Haha…new word? So…..I’m not sure if I’ll continue to blog while I go through this. It will be a charted Whinery. Does the world need a charted Whinery? Maybe, I dunno. Maybe they do, more than they need wineries. Ha….maybe if we all let it out….then there would be no pressure releases…no volcanos blowing in our minds…therefore, maybe no murders or rapes or tortures? Haha…ya….sure Sheri…the world will go good…if only you whine in public.

I have to finish the totem, find the right fleece and mail it off, shear 8 babies and 19 or so girls…all before the weather gets cold. I have an event not this Saturday but the next. I’ve just realized I didn’t miss it and although it won’t be a SELL event, it might be a Will Sell event. It’s non profit, so I can’t sell, but I can show and I can give my cards out and I can talk, boy can I talk. You should hear me at the gallery. Once upon a time, I was so shy I would never have considered such a thing. Talking to people about sheep and goats??? Who me??? Now, heck ya. Let me fill your mind with whispers of maas and baas and wisps and curls and food and soap and clothes and paintings. And….so many more things I cannot even begin to remember…my plate is overflowing with need to do’s.

I wonder. Do we all have a need to be recognized? I’m watching Akeela and the Bee….seen it a zillion times, yet here I am tearing up at the part where she is finally at the BIG bee….the National…and they show the hometown folks watching on tv from their respective homes and places. At Akeelas house, you see 2 young women sitting on the couch watching and you hear….thats my sister!!!! I guess I need that type of thing. I don’t get it though. Well, I don’t hear it anyway. I didn’t know I needed it until I had that gut reaction. Where the gut tightens and the tears well up. I only have a couple local friends. And it’s not like I’ve had a grand opening where those few might show up to say such a thing. And my family…well. Hmmm. Not only has my family NOT said a word about my art….but they also haven’t contributed to the fundraiser. Ha…and one works for THE major oil company. Maybe they don’t know? Well….the standing family joke is……the beede grapevine. As soon as one family member knows something…thee WHOLE family knows. Thing is…I’m no longer part of that vine apparently….cuz I get no word about anything. I literally saw my sisters on a vacation together…on Facebook. 3 sisters….one missing. I made a rude comment about it and they fixed it by putting another photo up and one sister photoshopped it to have me in the center. Lol. But you get my drift. I am such a needy gal, eh? Gosh. Makes me feel stupid. Whoa….that must be my negative voice thinking that. Forgive me.

I guess my daughter has made herself indispensable….and I gotta figure out how to live again….without her for awhile. For the last 5 months, I’ve thought of myself as dying….and now I gotta shift it….and shift it alone. I will go to be healed. I will not chicken out. I will raise the money. I will not give up trying. Ya ya ya, I’m talkin to myself. Oh dear Lord….I don’t know about this. She has checked with her psychic friends and they all say it will be fine…go. Shit…I told her I would be fine…go. Soon as I said that…panic set in. Ahhh, how sweet….I just got a call….monk was concerned cuz I’m not there. See folks…in the end, I don’t think he means harm. I think he is just from another country, is a man, may have his own issues, who knows, but I don’t think he intended to harm me. He was worried that I wasn’t there. Sweet. Up down.

Well, we went to shear the babies today and poor Cathy got stung 3 times by a yellowjacket!!! I, am deathly allergic to them, so it was good that it was her and not me, but jeeze…I feel horrible. It was hot and the stanchion wasn’t in the shade at that hour so I told her to go home and we’d shear tonight. I’ve since eaten lunch. Never shear with a full belly but oh well….guess I gotta. I have allergies right now too….the sneezing kind. So…..I may or may not be shearing today and I may or may not be sneezing or crying while I do it. My girl has been busy cooking me soups all day…to freeze in little baggies. I should have dinner for most of the time she’s gone. It really disgusts me that she must do this……to make money to heal me…..when she does art so beautifully. The art should pay for this. Damnit. Just makes me ill. My daughter will be in a tent…during winter. Great, just great. And I…, shit, who knows how I’ll be. Like I said…it’s a Whinery. YeeHaw Ranch Whinery….and I….am a snifflin ball of whine. Gonna go walk the 18th mile to the mailbox to look for my anniversary ScrapBox’s…..2, remember??? Natalie threw one more in for retail therapy!!! Can the scrapbox fix my tiny depression? Can 2? What will I paint? Will I paint? Hmmm….wishin we had a 4wheeler….and a gazillion boxes of Puffs Plus tissues. For any who would like to contribute….I guess Summer isn’t doing an update…. The paypal is: sherilee@wildblue.net Any amount is graciously appreciated. Little, big…it’s all wonderful and will help immensely. At this point, I need enough for meds till Jan/Feb…then some for the trip. The healing trip. And yes, I do need to stay on the herbs and meds until then. Ok…headed to the mailbox hopin for a smile. I feel like a little girl. Lost. Little girl lost. Hmmm, sounds familiar. Ahhhh. They arrived. And while exquisite and fiberyummylicious, I seem to still be bummed. Haaaa…we watched Shear Madness last night. Somehow I only have 4 episodes left on my tv harddrive, which thoroughly upsets me…but we did have a blast watching. Summer for the first time!!! What a joy. Too bad there’s no more episodes. Ah well…at least there’s Blogtalk…on tonight…9/8c. Be there if you can. http://www.blogtalk.com/namastefarms. Oh….and if you don’t wanna donate to my LIFE cause….how bout purchasing a painting for Christmas? Or commissioning one? Or layaway???? I can make smaller…well, sometimes. I will try my best. Later!!! Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch. Ps………..the ScrapBoxes are wonderful…and the kitchen sink lives up to it’s name. Funny…it’s always been the plan to one day sell my leftover scrap bags. Bags that retire when I get a huge batch of new colors. (I’ve even talked about it here) That’s what kitchen sink is….one of my scrapBags….but new to me fibers. Hehe….yay!!!! Adios amigos. PSS……….Uggggh….I’ll tell ya tomorrow about the horrific shear episode.

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I’m a horrible mother….

Oh God….I’m a horrible mother. I’ve convinced Summer she can go…and now I’m freakin out and making her feel bad for going. Literally being angry! Ya….didn’t expect to feel this way. Insecure would be an understatement. I can do it. I can do it. Of course I can. She helped me be bold here. I’ll be fine. Ya…wishy washy me. Oh man….this is hard. All of this. Gosh. Hey, there are other people out there….dealing with harder things. It’s so weird. She kinda took over here as like the wife. She did the cooking and I no longer cook for hubby, he does his own now. 2 sets of food. Well no…3 actually cuz then there’s Jesse. Sometimes he wants to eat something other than corndogs or mini pizza’s. She does the kitchen cleaning and the dishes. She’s been doing most of the cat litterbox too. Also the website, the fundraiser and the whole food shopping. Can’t get everything from HEB. Aside from that…she is now my mirror while painting. And…she’s my sweetie. And, she’s been in my world, many many hours a day for 5 months.

I got the next set of pills today. Uggh!!! One is huge and not coated, another is coated and not a capsule. I prefer capsules. One tastes really bad too, but luckily it’s not a lasting taste. I also drastically upped my Vitamin C intake. I have just begun the new protocol….added into mine. She agreed with mine. All except the olive leaf and it’s not that she didn’t agree with it…she just didn’t have it on her list for me. I hate taking pills. Usually I buy them but don’t take them. My life is at stake now…so, I take em. Ha…except the hydrogen peroxide in the nebulizer. What the heck am I afraid of??? The nebulizer, that’s what. I don’t wanna get stuck on it…rely on it I guess, who knows….all I know is….it just sits at the foot of my bed…waiting. It will clean my lungs from a life of smoking….why do I wait. Is there such a thing as too much healthy stuff? I feel nausea. So many pills. Todays new ones are Alpha Lipoic Acid and Selenium…and a reup on Tumeric. Have I told you about the sleepies? They are with me 24/7 now. It’s awful and I have to work so hard to stay awake on the drive home from work now…..and at work, and here…just always. It’s been a week on the CBD oil, so now that I know how it sits in my body, I shall take the morenga. It will be a morning thing…..and should give me some umpf. It has been recommended by 3 different people and a box of packets was gifted to me by my friend Sheri and her Charlie. Although, now that I feel funny right now…maybe I should wait a bit. Too many herbs? Too many medicines? Gosh, I dunno. It’s a protocol and I have faith in it but believe you me….it ain’t even really started yet!!! That’s a scary thought….but then again, so is dyin. Ha, says the ex suicider! Hey yay…..night night!!! Lol. 2:19am = 3 = Trinity = HOLY …&… 4th night in a row.

Shit. She’s still planning on going. Uggh. We have to raise enough money to go on the trip, to both be healed there….and also money for the meds in the meantime. It’s a lot. I know. Believe me, I know. Three bottles of pills were bought yesterday and down went a hundred bucks. I can’t stop. Not till I’m healed. Gonna have to run the fundraiser link again. Hate that. But I hate HepC more. Hate the word hate too. Dis and like…hmmm…don’t really go together. I think she’s leaving Friday….to be gone a month at the very least. If I could raise that money, she wouldn’t have to go. She will be cold and she will be working very hard and long hours. If the paintings had sold….she wouldn’t have to go. So sad. All this work she’s done on these paintings lately….and here she is about to go cross country to work in the cold. I’m so sorry. I tell her that. I’m sorry that my art form….which she chose to learn…..is so very hard to sell, because it is so new. So different. Some legacy I left her.

Was able to get one baby goat sheared today. Oceana. No cries. Good lil girl, not a peep or a dance. Love that… especially when they are babies…which means it was a good one, a comfortable one without much fear….great for future shears. Didn’t notice any Dalmatian speckles, but she’s got the genes to throw pinto babies.

Ok….aside from fundraising for myself, I have a couple things I’m helping with. A charka or I’ve been told, a kick spindle is needed for a friend who had a bad fall and is now rather limited to a bed or wheelchair. She is a fiber friend that most of you may know…..please help if you can by donating one of these products or the money to buy one. Haha. Ya. I expect a lot. Also…..if you have gently used musical instruments….please consider the Navajo reservation in Arizona. My friend Michelle is a nurse there and she and her children have written letters to the Casinos asking for money for instruments. It is their miracle. They are being taught to believe in miracles. Ha…well…so far, all the responses from the casinos have been rejection letters. Harsh!!! Just let me know if you have any instruments and I will find a po box or some way to get them to them. Music is important! So is believing in miracles.

I haven’t said anything…not even to the kids, but my hands are not doing well. Not sure if it’s arthritis or not, all I know is there is a lot of pain. This concerns me due to my chosen life skill. Needling!!!! Ha…or it could be a byproduct of said needling. I need to paint paint paint….either that or I need to take a break and paint with oil or acrylic for a bit. Not sure yet. Hey…there’s always watercolor too. It’s been ages since I’ve tried any of these mediums. Summer will be saddened by this cuz she’s concerned that I may stop the fiber paintings altogether. I won’t. I’m just wondering if I should give my hands a vacation. Oh God…don’t let me fall apart while Summer is gone!!! Ahhh….time to say YeeHaw….signing off at the ranch. Later Gater.

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Life interrupted my pity party….yay!

Last night, my daughter stuns me. She says, with excitement in her voice…I just heard your thoughts! ……………………….It’s because you just spoke them out loud! LOL. Are you kidding me? Never has it been put such a way for me. What an eye-opener. Haha…..still giving me giggles. I just heard your thoughts. Wowza. Do you know the difference between heaven and hell? A thought. I heard that today. Do you know the difference between sadness and joy? A thought. I just made that one up cuz it too fits. Really it does. One thought…in either direction…can turn the tide. I’ve seen it, witnessed it first hand and personal and I’ve seen it in general. Hell….I literally witnessed it a few weeks back from the observer standpoint. Now THAT was an eye opener. Third eye hopefully if it’s not too petrified by chemicals force fed to us in everything we eat, drink, touch and breathe. Please…if you can get through and past all the yimmy yammying and today I’m depressed and today I’m on top of the world….there are some gems here. For you. I open my third eye, if at all possible…for us all.

Did I tell you I went over my limit with the Kai Mohair curls? I did. I was trying to avoid telling you, and I just kept saying…its so hard. Indeed. It’s rather like a lays potato chip. You can’t eat just one. The room has an entire wall of fiber. There is a rack. On this rack are clear plastic bins of assorted sizes with every color of mohair curls under the sun. Solar dyed of course! Well, not sure if they all are. She used to have an event…Day to Dye For. Once a year and we, from the local guild, would show up all excited, just bursting with the desire to create. Awaiting us would be bags of a silk scarf, a strip of roving, white curls and sometimes, dark curls….soaking in vinegar. On the table were squirt bottles of every kind…dish soap, ketchup, house cleaner bottles. You name it…all filled with dyes, ready to go. We would lay out a large piece of cellophane, then our precious fibers. Eagerly grab the color of our choice and squirt away. Constantly going back for more colors to add. Hilarious. Then we’d wrap the cellophane up and place our bundles in a steampot and we’d all go to the house for a potluck lunch. I adored those days. Oh…then we’d pull em out of the pot…rinse em and lay them to dry. Then came the best part. Ooogling over them. Whether our own oogling or the oogles of others….it was the best part. That…and the comradery.

As you guys know, I’ve been fairly down lately. I have a brain that is very critical of me and it’s not easy being me. My children are witnessing this firsthand. :=((( Wish they didn’t. Right now I’m up. I also just got colored curls, and just had all my friends rally round and….and the stuff Mea showed me…AND…maybe the big and……I’m not at the gallery. My head knows this stuff. My brain knows that logically artists are starving for a reason! But my hole-y psyche has a hard hard time with it. Speaking of friends rallying…I have a fiber friend who has had some health challenges come up for her too. She needs a charka. She is now wheelchair and mostly bed bound, so a charka would be ideal. Can anyone help with this? On that note…it’s late. 2:37am = 3 = Trinity = HOLY…..again!!! 3rd night! Night night all!!! Look up….enjoy the birds. Enjoy life…its not always there.

Oh my good golly. I sheared today. So behind. I sheared Luna first….oh my GOD. She was so perfect. Her stance, her stand on the stanchion…no crying, not a peep….her fleece, her body conformation, and her feet! Her feet!!! Awesomely perfect. Just stunning. Funny, I announced what the plan was and I asked the girls to explain to the babies what would happen. I was taking their coats today. Luna didn’t say a word and stood like such a sweetheart…lol, for all the part she didn’t lay like a sweetheart. Hehe. Good girl. Then, we decided to do lil Moonbaby before his coat went to shit. This baby is not friendly to me, yet he laid there and let me reach down and touch him, then lift him. He too stood like a statue and didn’t complain a whit. He was not in such good shape. Thin. Aside from being way too short and small….he was thin. And his feet were crazy awful. But what a beauty. Spots smaller than dalmation and way too many for dalmation. Stunning as well. And, his fleece was so dense. First time for a baby to be so dense. Also…first time for a baby to have felted balls. Wowza. He’s gonna give us some fleece!!! He may be crippled due to those feet but man, the fleece!!! Lol. Seriously, nothing I can do about the feet. They are what they are. At that point, I lost both of my helpers so I decided to quit too. 2 down…many many more to go.

I’ve deleted so much lately its hard for me to know what I’ve already posted and what I haven’t. I think Summer is leaving this week for awhile. To earn money for us. She is sick too…I just only talk about mine. Not ready to say what the new plan is…haha…unless I already did and don’t remember. All I will say is….it finally feels right. Pieces falling together. The new plan is so hard that I need help, which makes….the new plan. Gosh…I wanna say it. Wanna talk about it. It is actually exciting me and getting my spiritual and artistic and life juices flowing! All of which are good if you’ve been given a death sentence. What I’ve done so far….was hard. Quitting smoking and quitting the alcohol????? HARD!!! This……will be more of a challenge. This will be harder, but I AM up to it and I CAN DO IT. If I know this much about me…I am strong. I may not have much esteem for me, but I certainly have esteem for my strength. I’ve endured…..good LORD…..just know I’ve endured. So…the new plan is such that I get help. I can’t do it on my own. I’m strong….but even I need help with this. Someone to choreograph the healing…and I do mean healing. I firmly believe that when I return home……I will be healed. Healed and possibly more. Ha…now I just gotta tell my husband. The new plan requires me being gone awhile. I will still be able to blog. It won’t happen till February. I will be healed. The hepC will not be sleeping, it will be healed/cured and the liver…will also be healed. IN the meantime…my lungs are in process of the same. A few things stand in the way. Money, of course, the goats care….so I gotta sell plenty by then, and personally……..strength to do the diet that is required. I finally found what I believe in…which is the cure, eh? I know this place will heal me. One day I will explain it all….and why I know. So…my mind is now on other things besides pity partying about is my art good enough for people to buy. Yay!!! Later gators. Signing off at YeeHaw Ranch with a naked Luna and Moonbaby. Yay! Ps…I wish I could have livestreamed todays shear. This is what you do when the goat won’t stand. hehe. Maybe one day I’ll get the guts to try.

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